Happy Valentine’s Day!
Want to add some extra intention to your celebration of love this year? How do you feel most loved and do you know how to recognize how the people in your life feel loved too?
Learning about the Five Love Languages is a helpful pathway to understanding how to give and receive love in a way that really lands. Your partner’s love language may not be the same as yours, so offering them the love language you want to receive may not feel meaningful to them.
However, learning to give your loved one(s) the love language that really resonates for them and receiving the one that truly speaks to you can be a relationship game changer!
In Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, the author points out that many couples get stuck in miscommunication loops, as if they were literally speaking different languages. The concept of having different “languages” through which we speak and hear love is a helpful communication tool that can lead to a better understanding of one another.
The 5 languages in Gary’s book:
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Words of affirmation
- Physical touch
Acts of Service
How good does it feel when one of your many tasks on your to-do-list is checked off by somebody else? For these people, actions speak louder than words. Maybe your partner makes dinner for you or sees you need help with cleaning and tidies the house. This type of love language serves to help your loved one feel seen and cared for by you noticing what they need or could really use some help with and doing it. Other examples of acts of service might be:
- Plan a vacation for your partner
- Do the dishes or Make them a cup of coffee
- Check in on them during a hectic day
- Care for them when they’re sick
Receiving Gifts
A thoughtful gift can go a long way in a relationship. By being a good gift giver, it shows your loved one that you are paying attention to the things they like, want, and need. Notice their tastes and preferences and plan gifts for birthdays and anniversaries ahead of time. Gifts can be a reflection of how you feel about your loved one, a physical representation of your love. Some ways to show love through gift giving are:
- Offering flowers even when you’re not celebrating anything
- Bringing treats
- Gifting concert tickets
- Keeping your eyes out for things your loved one might like so you can surprise them
Quality Time
Spending time with a loved one can feel enjoyable, and, for people who feel loved by experiencing quality time, think more deeply about how you spend your time together. Is it a fulfilling activity that feels bonding, connecting and that draws you closer emotionally? This can sometimes be more challenging for people who live together. Just being around each other regularly, or in the same daily routine, is not the same as quality time. Plan some time to do something fun and engaging together that you know your partner enjoys. Examples of quality time:
- Put your phones down!
- Go for a walk together
- Watch a show or a movie that you’re both interested in and pause to discuss and explore your experience.
- Go on a date that includes elements that suggest you know your partner’s preferences.
- Cook together
Words of Affirmation
Having a partner or loved one say something affirming to you can boost your confidence in yourself and your relationship. For people who feel loved by words of affirmation, know that your words hold a lot of weight. Tell them how much they mean to you, and how proud you are of them. Make sure they hear you say you love them and care for them. Ways to share words of affirmation:
- Send a note, text, letter, email, etc., telling them how much you value them
- “I’m so lucky to have you in my life.”
- “I couldn’t do this without you.”
- Compliment them on how they look and the qualities you see in them.
- Use this as an opportunity to affirm when they love you well. “I feel so cared for by you when you do my dishes…etc…. Thank you!”
Physical Touch
Appropriate physical affection is a basic, natural human need. For people who primarily feel loved and cared for through touch, a simple squeeze of a hand can speak love directly to their hearts. Make sure to talk about what kind of touch your loved one desires. Different ways to bring more touch into your relationship:
- A shoulder squeeze for a friend
- Putting your arm around your partner during a movie
- Cuddling on the couch
- Reach over and hold hands on a drive
- Giving a shoulder massage after a hard day
- Hugging regularly
The 6th Love Language?
Over the years an additional significant love language has emerged. The love language that many significantly benefit from in a long term relationship is personal space. Giving your partner alone time, time to reconnect with themself, time to invest in other relationships, goals, or hobbies, is arguably just as important as any of the other ways you can show love. (Visit this past blog for a deeper look at the sixth love language).
Four Keys to Loving
The overarching theme in practicing love languages is showing up in the first place. Psychologist, appropriately named, Dr. Pat Love has written and given talks on the four keys to loving and developing deep relationships.
- Show up. You have to actually be there for each other in meaningful ways. Acknowledge how good it feels to have a friend or family member be there with you for life events, funerals, weddings, graduations. Be there for what is important to your loved one, even if it’s not as important to you.
- Tune in – give undivided attention so that you can understand the needs and desires of your loved one. Intimacy becomes a challenge when you’re multitasking, so be present. Put down your phone, look each other in the eyes, and connect.
- Connect and tune in long enough to develop an understanding of what is valuable to the other person. This is where the love languages can come apparent . Observe and reflect and share on the ways you both feel love.
- Behave according to your understanding of your loved one. If you learned that your partner loves having coffee in bed, make them a coffee in the morning. If you learned that your partner loves to be touched, make an effort to put your arm around them at a party, or hold their hand to remind them you love them.
This Valentine’s Day, pay attention to how you love–how you give love and how you receive it.
And remember that relationships deepen when you show up for each other in ways that speak to the heart !
Reach out if you would like help on your relationship journey with yourself or with a loved one.