Featured in October 2020 Marin Independent Journal’s Senior Style (Special Section). Read below or at Senior Style.
Stereotypical misconceptions surrounding sex at age 60+ shape the cultural narrative that sex is for younger generations and that older folks don’t feel the desire to be sexual past a certain age. Senior sex and intimacy could not be further from the truth (or more satisfying!). On a biological level, feeling desire, being interested in and wanting to have sex is natural for adults of all ages; there’s no reason why it should cease at a certain age. In fact, couples aged 50-59 reported having sex an average of 58 times per year. This number actually increases to 68 times for older couples in the 60-69 age range. [1] In my practice, as a Clinical Sexologist and Sex, Intimacy & Relationship coach, I work with clients ranging from 18-92, all of whom are interested in having a healthy, long lasting and satisfying sex life.
If you’re a couple entering those blissful, golden years, here are some of the perks you can look forward to enjoying!
Comfort and Connection
As a long-term couple or as a single senior you’ve accumulated a vast array of life experiences under your belt. You’ve gained a mature level of understanding about yourselves and a familiarity with one another that creates a deeper sense of connection and intimacy. Youthful sexy toned bodies and an endless supply of hormones have their benefits, but they don’t replace the deep intimate connection that comes with time.
More Pleasure based instead of Performance based:
Wisdom has taught you that it really is all about the journey, not the destination. And so it is with sex. Focus on Pleasure instead of Performance and let go of the belief that you need to “get somewhere”. Flirt, Seduce with Dirty Talk, Snuggle and Spoon, Make out, Touch and be Touched with your hands, your mouth or even toys. It’s ok that intercourse and orgasms may not always be reliable or expected, that’s normal. Dryness and lubrications concerns can be addressed with sexual lubricants (lubes) available in drugstores, supermarkets and adult sex stores (of which there are two right here in San Rafael, Ca).
The body may not always respond in the way we want it to but don’t let that stop you. Great sex is about pleasure and connection; enjoy yourself, enjoy your partner and most importantly have fun!
Free From Worry
Senior sex for long time couples means you don’t have to worry about pregnancy or STDs. Say hello to sexual freedom and reckless delightful abandon without anxieties from yesterday’s restrictions.
If you’re newly dating, I recommend having an honest conversation about your sexual history and medical status with any new partner before engaging in more intimate sexual activities. This may include getting some tests with your doctor so that you both feel safe to move ahead sexually.
In addition, there are several prescription medications available such as Viagra, Levitra and Cialis for men who would like a boost to their confidence and erectile function. Please talk to your medical doctor if you would like more information.
And for those finding themselves silver, foxy, and single, your life is about to get a whole lot zestier. You can look forward to:
New Experiences
If you are dating later in life, you are opening yourself up to new people and experiences. Whether you are just starting after a long marriage for example, or casual dating is your norm, there’s a renewed vitality that comes with stepping outside of your comfort zone with a new person. Let your body, heart and mind expand as you explore new ways of approaching intimacy.
Life Affirming and Healthy
Intimate connections are helpful now more than ever in this time of COVID.
Experiencing your sensuality can lower stress, activate your feel-good hormones, and reinforce bonding during a time when many of us feel isolated. If you find it difficult to date right now (as many of us are, no matter what age), try expanding your search online with sites like Silversingles.com or peruse this list to find a platform that suits you.
NRE (New Relationship Energy)
You know the glow. The one you can’t hide. It’s excitement and enthusiasm. It’s renewal. It’s irresistible. But most importantly, it’s timeless. You can bet that if you are looking to date, someone is looking to date you! Finding someone that you can connect and express your sensuality with is a magic that never gets old.
There are of course some challenges you may encounter. Please know however that these are all common concerns and should in no way put a halt on your hot sex life.
Changes in Body and Body Image
Remember that your sexiest self is your most confident and authentic self. A good sexual partner is one that expresses themselves freely, is open to experimentation, and most of all … fun! This has nothing to do with age or how you look.
Hormonal Fluctuations
As our bodies and hormones change, this can result in less dependable erections for men and decrease in natural lubrication for women. For both, physical agility may also be a concern. This is the perfect opportunity to expand your old definition of sex. If you’re limiting it to penetration, you’re limiting your satisfaction! For example, our skin is our largest sex organ – play, touch, massage, caress, and stroke. Explore hand sex, oral sex, adult sex toys, kink, roleplaying or tantra. The possibilities are endless when it comes to sexual play.
Climax may Feel Different
Lean into arousal and pleasure. Lean away from making orgasm the goal. Nothing kills intimacy and a good time (and an erection) like expectation and anxiety. You may find a whole new way of climaxing, or that you’re less attached to having an orgasm because the pleasure and connection are deeply satisfying.
Discomfort Talking About Sex
Sex is a taboo topic for many people, but maybe even moreso for older generations. It’s important to know your sexual health history and communicate this clearly with new partners. In terms of likes and dislikes, don’t underestimate the effectiveness of these four little words: “what do you enjoy?” When expressing your own preferences, honesty is the best policy. For example, you can be direct but not apologetic by saying: “I think you are incredibly sexy and I’m very attracted to you…and…intercourse is not possible for me. I’d really like to use my hands and mouth or toys if you’d enjoy that.” [2]
While there are some special things to consider regarding sex as a senior, you may have noticed that many of the concerns, tips, and insights are the same as when you were in your roaring 20s. That’s because sex and intimacy are not things that disappear once we start receiving AARP and using night cream. As long as we are human, we are sensual beings. Yes, our bodies change and evolve, but with that comes depth and creativity in the bedroom (and outside for that matter – just don’t get caught!). When sex is consensual, pleasure-filled, satisfying, and non-judgmental, the sky is the limit – not your age.
I offer sex, intimacy, and relationship coaching online and in-person for whatever stage of life you are in. Get in contact with me here. And if you enjoyed reading this, please check out the e-magazine version of Senior Style, where you’ll find this article (on pages 17-20) and many other wonderful topics about living your best senior life!
SOURCES
- Roizen, M. F., Oz, M., Oz, L., & Spiker, T. (2013). Sex Marks the Spot: Your Sexual Organs. In You: the owner’s manual: An insider’s guide to the body that will make you healthier and younger (pp. 246-247). New York, NY: William Morrow.
- Price, J. (2020, May 21). A Senior’s Guide to Sex Without Intercourse. Retrieved September 16, 2020, from https://seniorplanet.org/a-seniors-guide-to-sex-without-intercourse/