It’s estimated that about half of marriages worldwide are arranged. These weddings are marital unions brought together by a third party, sometimes a matchmaker, sometimes the families. They are typically not forced marriages. While arranged marriages come with their own unique set of challenges, they can be as fulfilling as a marriage based on a love match.
Saving Sex for Marriage
Arranged matches typically court for several months before their wedding, but don’t typically have sex with each other until the wedding night. This practice is also very common in a number of religious communities throughout the world.
Entering into a new relationship with little to no sexual experience can create a lot of pressure on the wedding night. If you attempt to “just go for it,” it can often feel awkward, uncomfortable and intimidating for the newly wed couple who are just getting to know each other. Future intimacy may then continue to feel confusing and uncomfortable. If you’re entering into a marriage where one or both of you have little to no sexual experience, communicate with your partner first about starting out slowly and simply exploring each other’s bodies without specific goals. Intercourse may not happen on your first night together and it’s ok to take your time to start to feel comfortable with just being naked together. You may want to explore kissing, gentle touch and making out with intention and care for the physical and emotional sensations that you might experience.
There is often an adjustment period where both partners need to explore feeling sexually comfortable together. Shyness or nervousness with a new sexual partner is completely normal and very common. It’s a learning curve in every style of relationship.
If one of you has experience and the other has little or none, remember that this is still technically a new experience for both of you since you’ve never had sex with each other. Every person is different. Share your feelings, communicate with your partner. Find common ground in knowing that this is a lifelong journey and adventure for both of you.
Common Challenges
Some of the most common challenges in arranged marriages are:
- Lack of sex education
- Struggles with sexuality and intimacy concerns, discomfort, or pain
- Erectile dysfunction/disappointment
- Family pressure to start a family.
Your well meaning family may have all sorts of ideas and beliefs about how you should conduct your marriage and your relationship. Ultimately it’s up to you and your partner to decide what works for the two of you and how you want to approach your unique relationship. If you’re facing any of these challenges, processing them with a coach and/or therapist can help. You are welcome to contact me here if you’d like some guidance along your new relationship pathway. Here are some ideas that might help set you up for success:
Learn
For anyone unsure about sex with a new partner, the best place to start is by educating yourself about the topic. There are many helpful books, classes, sex ed websites (OMGyes.com, Sfsi.org), sex educators on TikTok and Instagram, and educational videos available. Talking to an open minded family member, experienced older sibling, or trusted friend can help demystify and expand your knowledge of sexual intimacy. Talk to someone whom you trust and feel comfortable with to give you honest, practical advice without judgment.
Be Curious and Open
Create a safe space that invites curiosity, openness, and vulnerability to build a solid foundation in your relationship. Once you’ve learned some sexual basics, talk about what you’re excited to try and also what you’re nervous about. Be honest, compassionate and nonjudgmental with yourself and your partner. Good communication is key here, so make sure you are talking about everything that feels important to share.
Take Your Time
There’s no rush in building a fulfilling sex life. If one of you isn’t ready for sex yet, you can wait. Do what you are ready for… kiss, make out, touch, explore! Learn what turns each other on as well as what turns you off. Share your preferences and interests. Becoming truly intimate with your partner is an evolving process that deepens over time. There is so much fun and sensuality to be experienced before you even have “sex”. And, there are lots of ways to have sex that don’t have to be penetrative. Make time to build intimacy, connect with each other, and experience each other’s bodies and pleasure.
Focus on Pleasure
So many sexual hang-ups happen when people focus on performance and orgasm rather than pleasure. Remember that sex is ideally intended to be fun! Keep your attention on how it feels, rather than “how close” either of you are to orgasm. There doesn’t have to be any specific outcome ( it’s great to have a climax and it’s totally ok if you don’t too) other than connection and pleasure in order to have a fulfilling sexual experience.
A great sex life awaits you! I have worked with lots of couples in arranged marriages, so please reach out if you think coaching may be of help and support to your relationship!