Ace
Asexuality is an umbrella term that captures a spectrum of identities that don’t feel sexual attraction to other people. There is a tremendous amount of diversity, and many ways to experience love and intimacy under this umbrella.
In Relationship
“Asexual” simply means that you don’t experience sexual attraction towards other people. This does not mean that asexuals (or “aces” for short) don’t have the desire to be in a partnered relationship though! Other types of attraction, including romantic desire, can comfortably be a part of an ace’s life. We are all uniquely wired for love and attraction. Asexual partnerships are just as meaningful as sexual ones, and love can be given and received in countless ways.
Helpful Terms
Labels are powerful tools in communicating who we are, as well as what we want and need from our partners and our community. Capturing the minutiae of who a person is with a label, however, is impossible. Your sexual identity and how you experience it are unique to you, and if you say that you’re asexual, that describes just one aspect of you. You’re ace, now what? Explore what is right for you and what resonates with you. Here are some other terms that might be helpful on your journey.
- Demisexual – this term might fit you if you only experience sexual attraction to a person once you have a firm foundation of emotional intimacy.
- Grey-A – this might fit you if you find yourself floating somewhere between sexual and asexual.
- Queerplatonic – this word describes a kind of relationship that is non-romantic and contains emotional intimacy beyond a friendship.
- Aromantic – this word describes a lack of romantic desire with another person.
Along with these terms, other words can be useful in describing yourself. For example, maybe you’re a combination of asexual and homoromantic, meaning you gravitate towards a romantic relationship with someone of the same gender without necessarily desiring sex with that person. One term doesn’t exclude others!
Self-Discovery
If you don’t experience sexual attraction, you’re not alone! Accepting this part of yourself opens your life up to exploring your wants and needs in a way that honors who you are. Your desires are welcome and they deserve to be acknowledged by you and your trusted partner(s). Your experience of being asexual is specific to you. You are welcome to connect with me here if you would like some support along the way.
Libido and Sexuality
While the label of asexuality might bring clarity to your experience, it is important to acknowledge that there is a difference between having a low libido and being asexual. Libido is your sex drive, your appetite or interest in sex while your sexuality (or asexuality) refers to your sexual attraction toward and desire for others. Experiencing a sense of libido is quite common for many asexuals, and not for others. Also, aces may still want sex! Wanting sex and experiencing sexual attraction are different. Some people may be what the ace community calls “sex-repulsed,” while others may choose to have sex.
Desire for sex without sexual attraction to others is also asexuality. There are numerous reasons people choose to have sex, and sexual attraction does not have to factor into the equation. As with any relationship, communication and consent are fundamental. Some ace folks may also choose to experience sex through masturbation. Discover what’s right for you!
If you are at a time in your life when it feels good for you to not be sexual, that’s ok. Follow your impulse and what’s right for you. It doesn’t however mean that you’re ace. You may simply not be feeling sexual right now. Seasons come and go. Needs and libidos, ebb and flow. Give yourself the time and space to explore what you’re feeling.
Recommended Reading
In Angela Chen’s book, Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, she shows the true variety of ways asexuality is represented and how sex-driven society can be. It’s an outstanding book for anybody who wishes to deepen their understanding of what being an ace can look like and challenges the reader to expand our cultural ideas of how we cultivate love and desire.
Supporting the Ace Community
If you’re not an ace, but you know someone who is, or you’re just curious and want to learn, here are some tips on being supportive.
- Firstly, consider and accept that not everyone needs sex or romance to be happy. Everyone has the liberty to choose what works for them, so support them as you would any other kind of relationship.
- Remember that if somebody trusts you enough to come out to you, the best gift you can give them is hearing and believing their experience. Be respectful and avoid asking uninvited questions about someone else’s sex life. We don’t owe each other explanations for who we are. And stand up for our ace peers by being accepting. Support them in being unapologetically themselves!
- You can do your part by educating yourself and reading about other ace experiences online and in books. Take a look at my resource page for help!
Need Help?
Whatever your needs, ace or otherwise, coaching and support are always available here. I’d be honored to help support you on your journey!