Many of us entered 2020 bright eyed and bushy tailed only to be blindsided by the most pervasive pandemic in decades. There is not a single person who has not been affected by COVID-19 in some way – whether you’re now a homeschooling parent, collecting unemployment insurance or someone who contracted the virus. Our world and our nervous systems have been shocked in more ways than we know.
With lockdown orders in place, we have all been spending more time at home, some of us quarantined with our partners for days on end, but we haven’t necessarily been having more sex. In fact, quite the opposite seems to be occurring even for new couples basking in the glow of NRE (New Relationship Energy) as one woman Lola J. states:
“In general, I would describe myself as a very sexual person with a high sex drive. During quarantine, I entered my first relationship, so we’re still in the honeymoon phase and theoretically should be having sex all the time.” [1]
Despite this, Lola was still not having as much sex as she’d anticipated – a shared sentiment amongst many of us in the time of COVID. A little insight below into what is happening to our waning sex drives:
Stress is a Sex Squelcher
Nothing kills a frisky mood faster like the villainous duo: Stress & Anxiety. We can’t say for sure just how many people are experiencing a slower sex drive since March 2020, but the heightened levels of personal and collective stress and trauma are creating a waning effect on our libidos. This is a functional response to a currently dysfunctional world situation.
Between lost jobs, financial concerns, health issues, cancelled travel plans, and general uncertainty the “mood” at home is likely not exactly strawberries and champagne. In other words:
To have great sex, you need to feel safe, relaxed, and emotionally available.
Let’s face it – there are lots of reasons for us to be anything but calm right now. When we feel stressed, we go into “flight, fright, freeze, or fold” mode. Anxious bodies focus on survival above all else, and as a result release increased amounts of cortisol and epinephrine – both stress hormones. This in turn causes stress, anxiety, disorganized thoughts, brain fog, increased heart rate, and even feelings of depression. Sex is likely the last thing on your mind, and you may feel more like collapsing on your bed rather than sprinkling rose petals on it. In this state of internal and external disturbance, it is natural for your body to preserves its non-essential functions, such as sex drive, in order to survive the stress of all this uncertainty.
The good news here is that our bodies are incredibly intelligent and adaptive. We are already beginning to adjust to a “new normal”. A short term stressor like COVID-19 is considered a more acute stressor which the body will adapt to. Because we are typically resilient towards acute stress, this will not deplete sex hormones in the long term.
On the other hand, long term or chronic stress can lead to a reduction of sex hormones because the body draws from them to produce more cortisol. As a result, there are less hormones reserved for sex, which can lower the sex drive overall.
Wherever you find yourself on the spectrum of stress, there are ways to lower your anxiety, enhance your mood for sexual intimacy and feel frisky again!
- Mindful Breathing – There are a ton of great resources online and soothing music on YouTube
- Exercise and Movement – Get your blood flowing and activate your feel good endorphin hormones through walking, running, yoga or dancing to your favorite music.
- Self-Care for your sexual-health – Treat yourself to bubble bath with scented candles, a soothing or sensual massage, meditation, music, self-pleasure, or masturbation with hands or toys.
- Connection – Reaching out to family and/or friends can be a source of both relief and connection (and may reduce your blood pressure some studies show!)
- Spend Time in Nature – Being outside can literally be like a breath of fresh air to your body, regulating your serotonin levels and promoting well-being from within. Research shows that regular doses of nature’s “green” enhances our mental, emotional and physical well-being.
In addition to stress, another reason sex may have slowed for you during the pandemic is…
Not Enough Time Apart
Healthy relationships maintain a sufficient balance of attachment and individuation. Meaning that as a couple you alternate between spending time together and apart. Pre-COVID we may have longed for more time with our partner, but now, some of us have their company 24/7, which can lead to cabin fever, boredom, or resentment – all of which can inhibit sexual desire.
Spending time apart “ individuating” is extremely healthy because it gives us a chance to miss our significant other. Missing your partner helps build longing and desire, two of the wonderful all important ingredients that get your fires going. Fortunately, you can reignite that spark…even during pandemic! A few things to try:
- Try to find pockets in your day or week for some “me” time if only for an hour or two. Spend it doing something you love that puts you in a mental state of flow and relaxation.
- Call a friend or family member for a chat. Be mindful and focused on connection in your conversation.
- Go for a walk outside alone. Even with COVID restrictions, most states are encouraging folks to get fresh air and move around in order to stay healthy.
But What if I’m Also Bored in the Bedroom?!
OK, so you’ve caught up on all the sex you’ve been wanting now that you are both at home all the time. What now? Is that all there is? Absolutely not! Now is actually the time to have some FUN and let your inhibitions go. In addition to ungluing yourselves from each other periodically, consider shaking things up in the bedroom…or better yet in the kitchen, on the piano, on the stairs, at an AirBnB…. You get where I am going with this right?
Along with changing locations in your home (or elsewhere), try changing up the focus as well. Leaning into sensation and pleasure instead of penetration and climax can awaken your body in new ways and take the performative aspect out of sex. Sex can be so much more than erections and orgasms; now is your time to find out! If you would like guidance and ideas in this area, consider seeking out a sex therapist who can help.
When talking with your significant other about how to expand your sexual menu:
- Schedule a time (not during sex) when both of you are feeling calm and relaxed.
- Set an intention for your conversation. Have in mind what you would like to explore.
- Commit to listening and being curious as you take turns sharing.
- If you don’t agree, stay open and non-judgmental.
- Remember it’s OK to have different wants and needs.
By spicing things up and broadening your sexual lexicon, you may actually feel better about more than just your sex life. Physical intimacy releases a cocktail of “feel good” hormones such as oxytocin (the “cuddle” hormone), norepinephrine and dopamine – all of which create bonding, connection, pleasure, and lowers stress overall.
The most important takeaway here is that it As we move towards a “new normal,” know that there really isn’t one at all! You (and your partner if you have one) get to decide if you’d like to take a much-needed break from sex, or if you’d like to increase your sexual pleasure. Both courses of action are completely common and there is nothing to be gained from ruminating about the past, worrying about the future, or how much or little other people are having sex. What’s normal right now is what’s normal for you.
Coronavirus put us and our sex lives in somewhat of a tailspin. But in every challenge, there is growth. This and your pleasure are no exceptions. If you can, use this time at home to explore your own desires with or without a partner. Be kind to yourself. Be open with each other. Have conversations. Find opportunities. And as always, I am here to support you.
- Morgan, Kate. (2020, Aug 10). The Death of Libido. Retrieved October 5, 2020, from https://elemental.medium.com/the-death-of-libido-109fc8dfef47