What do pronouns mean to you? Do you notice them? Are you worried about using the right ones when referring to friends, acquaintances, or even yourself? When gender expression does not match the social norms, pronouns are there to help us be more respectful by adjusting our language. So let’s dive in!
For time immemorial, there have been folks who do not identify with their assigned gender. Until recently, society has largely ignored this discrepancy. Nowadays, queer educators are able to educate the masses via social media on what it means to be transgender. They are paving the way to a brighter and more individualized future for gender expression.
A large part of this is breaking apart our existing notions of what gender is. Learning that it’s truly up to each individual to interpret how they feel, and then decide how they wish to be seen and spoken to/about.
Embrace pronoun changes. For the majority of the population, who are cisgendered (meaning that they identify with the gender they were assigned at birth) pronouns are something they barely think about. For those of you whose gender does not match the one that was assigned to you at birth, you likely think a lot about pronouns. When you’re not seen as the gender you identify with, it can take a toll on your mental and sexual wellbeing. Pronouns give us the ability to respect an individual’s identity.
What’s the Difference Between Sex and Gender?
Sex and gender are not the same, but they do overlap. Because “sex” and “gender are often conflated, here’s a list of words to help clarify:
- Sex is a label placed on a person at birth based on their anatomical and physiological traits such as external genitalia, internal organs, hornones, and chormosomes. With all these varying markers of sex, biological sex is not a binary. It is complex! Our society likes tidy boxes, however, and puts us into one of two categories. Outside of medical reasons, there is no need for people to know what you were assigned at birth. Most people agree that sex is a biological trait based on reproductive potential and physiological characteristics.
- Gender, meanwhile, is more of a social elaboration and construction associated with biological sex. It is infinitely harder to define as it can often change. Basically, it is whatever we collectively agree on to be male or female or something else! It’s an incredibly loose and complex construct that varies from one era and place to another. What it means to identify as female in Portland, Oregon in 2021 is incredibly different from what it means to identify as female in 1612 Beijing, China. A lot goes into the considerations around gender identity, such as social expectations, personal likes and dislikes, etc.
- Transgender describes those of us whose gender does not align with our assigned sex at birth. If your birth certificate says “female” and you don’t feel like you’re female, then you fit under the trans umbrella.
- Nonbinary is how someone might identify who doesn’t feel like exclusively man or woman.
- Cisgender describes those of us whose gender aligns with our assigned sex at birth. If your birth certificate says male and you identify as male, you’re cisgender!
- Intersex describes people whose sexual biological and physiological traits at birth are ambiguous. In essence, they don’t fit into either female or male. What often happens in this situation is that the parents choose a sex and have the baby undergo surgery to make them appear more anatomically aligned with one sex or the other. This can lead to kids growing up and not aligning with the sex that chosen for them (without their consent).
Pronouns and Identity
Based solely on the list above, there are many reasons why gender can’t be assumed when founded on social norms alone. So when you meet a new person, ask how they would like to be referred to.
The most common pronouns are:
- They / them / theirs
- She / her / hers
- He / him / his
When you share your pronouns, it’s a way to invite others to acknowledge who you are, and how you like to be spoken to and about. If you are transitioning into accepting your gender identity as something other than the one you were born into, changes in pronouns and even changes in names, may be a way to allow that identity to be recognized in your community.
Best Practices
When you’re in a new setting or meeting new people, share your pronouns upon introduction! This will allow others the space and comfort to express how they like to be referred to. When they tell you their pronouns, do your best to act accordingly. As we work as a society to deconstruct our preconceived notions of gender, you might consider referring to people who have not disclosed their pronouns as “they/them” as a sign of respect. Keep listening with curiosity and kindness and be open to correction.
Supporting Others
If you have a friend or loved one who has come out to you and has shared new pronouns that are more in line with their current identity, be supportive and try your best to see them as they say they are. Memorizing pronouns isn’t what it’s all about, we need to deconstruct how we see that person. This person IS this gender and I can support them by acknowledging their identity. Ultimately what we can aim for is a deconstruction of how we as a society unnecessarily put each other into boxes. We can all benefit from fostering curiosity and an open mind.
Gender in Partnerships
Changes like this in a partnership can be difficult to traverse alone. If you or your partner are on a journey of gender discovery and want some guidance, reach out. I’m here to help. It can be challenging at first for our brains to recognize a person who we know intimately as a different gender. Remember that it’s about deconstructing what gender means. When people question their gender, they are allowing themselves to transition into their more authentic self. Welcome this journey and remember that people like me are here to help!