Happy Pride Month!
As we celebrate PRIDE, a month-long celebration of the diversities of love, let’s explore one of the more overlooked identities of the queer community: The Bisexual.
Are you bi? Do you think you might be? If you’re questioning, good for you! Just being able to open up to new possibilities with your sexuality is a big step! You could go online, find a quiz, and see what other people think it means to be bisexual, but the truth is, you’re the only one whose opinion truly matters.
Bisexual people experience sexual attraction to more than one gender, and often multiple variations on gender. While the “bi” in “bisexual” means two, which might imply attraction to both men and women ( binary model), it can refer to genders similar or different from your own.
The bi community often refer to themselves as bi+ because there are so many ways to be bisexual. Your attractions and relationships don’t have to happen simultaneously or to the same degree. Your identity has nothing to do with your sexual or romantic preferences with other genders, which is based on identity / attraction.
We know now that gender exists on a spectrum of expression rather than a binary. Maybe you are simply attracted to people, and gender doesn’t really come into the equation. If this is you, you might use the term “pan-sexual” (“pan” means “all”) to specify. There is endless individual nuance and you get to decide which label (if any) best fits you.
Here is a list of terms that you might find helpful from The Trevor Project page on supporting bisexuality:
- Queer refers to an identity that expands outside of heterosexuality. Due to its history as a reclaimed slur and use in political movements, queer still holds political significance.
- Pansexual is an identity term for romantic and/or sexual attraction to people regardless of gender identity or to people of all genders. For some pansexual people, gender is not a defining characteristic of the attraction they feel to others. Other pansexual folks may feel that gender is a significant part of their experience of attraction.
- Omnisexual refers to someone who is attracted to people of all genders, and for whom gender plays an important part of attraction.
- Abrosexual describes one’s sexual attraction that is fluid and constantly changing.
- Skoliosexual is a term that refers to attraction to trans and nonbinary people.
- Fluid refers to someone who experiences changes in their sexual attraction over time and/or depending on the situation. Some people may find that who they are attracted to and/or the intensity of those feelings change over different days or depending on who they are in a relationship with. Remember, while sexuality can be fluid, attempts to forcibly change a person’s sexuality, such as with the discredited practice of conversion therapy, are harmful and ineffective.
How Do I Know?
If you’re questioning your sexuality, be curious, do some research and ask yourself questions that foster reflection and deeper understanding. Remember, this is personal and you have the choice and freedom to keep this to yourself or to share it with others.Imagine yourself identifying as bisexual. Does it feel energizing? comforting? relieving? or give you a sense of freedom? Does it just seem to “make sense”? Live into the fantasy a little and see if it feels like home to you. Does does thinking about being bisexual make you feel happy?
Coming Out
Many people come out later in life–and for so many reasons! Depending on your upbringing, it may not have been acceptable to be bi or anything outside of heterosexual for that matter.
Media and sex education have a tendency to overlook the queer community, so it’s little wonder that so many folks weren’t questioning nor aware as adolescents. So what would coming out look like for you? You don’t owe this information to anyone, but if it helps you feel seen and understood in a more authentic way, you may want to share it. Not everybody will feel safe to disclose this information to, and that’s ok. For example, if you have a parent or a friend who you anticipate wouldn’t be supportive, you don’t have to tell them. Build a strong community for yourself that will be the support you need.
Coming Out to a Partner
Learning about your bisexuality while you are single can be liberating and exciting. New opportunities await to explore relationships in a new way! If you are partnered and realizing you’re bi, however, being honest about it might feel complex. First, ask yourself what you want to do with this information. Is it something you want to act on? Do you need to talk about opening up your relationship? Or is it something you want to acknowledge about yourself without acting on it? Getting an idea of what you want will help guide the conversation with your partner. If your intention is to stay with your current partner, be kind, understanding and compassionate.Reassure them by honoring your existing love and connection. Invite them to be curious and to ask you questions. You’ve got this!
If you’re not sure what you want to do, enlist support to explore your options and possibilities. While your ability to be yourself in your relationships is important; Staying closeted however, is also a valid choice if that’s what makes sense to you at this time. Think about what would be the most fulfilling and create joy, inner peace and self acceptance. You’re not alone and if you need help or support, reach out!
Noticing Bi-Erasure
Issues specific to bisexuality are often overlooked. Unless you’re non-monogamous and dating multiple people of different genders, you might be bundled in in with gay or straight people, based solely on your partner’s gender presentation.
Media rarely casts LGBTQ+ folks as the center role in movies and tv shows. From babies, we learn what is “acceptable” based on what is present in the world around us. This very lack of representation, sets us up with limited options. If you are looking for a TV show that has a main character meeting their bisexuality, there aren’t many… but that is slowly changing. The Bisexual (Amazon and Hulu) premiered in 2018 and depicts an amusing representation of what it is like to explore being attracted to different genders. It also touches on how it can feel confusing to not be able to put your attraction into a neat little package.
Likewise, bisexuality (as well as the rest of the queer community) is often overlooked in sex education. Our schools spent most their sex education curriculum covering anatomy, safer sex or abstinence, and heterosexual relationships. While these are relevant topics, let’s work on expanding education and make it more inclusive. If you are raising kids, I have some great books listed on my resources page to help supplement what your kids learn from sex ed in school (I also listed them in a recent blog). Let’s teach our kids that it is ok to explore and to figure out what is right for them.
Remember that your identity is valid and whatever labels you choose to assign yourself or not, is solely up to you. You deserve to be seen and loved as your most authentic self. I’m here if you would like someone in your corner rooting for you! Contact me here.