Foreplay
What comes to mind when you think of foreplay? Society often defines foreplay as the prelude to heteronormative penetrative sex; but in reality, foreplay IS sex. Sometimes it’s referred to as “outercourse” which feels closer to its actual purpose: Arousal. Foreplay can happen before, during, and after, making the “fore” in foreplay a bit of a misnomer.
Being adequately aroused is essential to having good sex and there are so many ways to activate our turn on. Think of sex as a creative outlet. It can be seductive, clever, sweet, naughty–or any flavor you like. And, ultimately, it illustrates the connection you share with your partner. On the other hand, if you’re not really in the mood, sex can feel frustrating, unsatisfying, or even painful. Whether your sex is partnered or solo, being turned on is key.
The Science Behind Foreplay and Getting Turned On
Sexual arousal entails more than an erection and lubrication: our largest sex organ is the brain, after all. We stimulate our minds to get “in the mood”, to activate our longing and to progress into more physically erotic activities. When the mood sets in, and arousal takes place, this sets off a cascade of physiological activity in the body and mind. Hormones like testosterone and estrogen are released, nerve stimulation of sexual organs amps up, specific muscles relax, genital tissue becomes engorged, and erotic fantasy may take over your thoughts. Neurological studies demonstrate the importance of seduction in a healthy and happy sex life. In addition, they show that inadequate foreplay, whether physical, mental, or emotional, can cause arousal issues. When we have sex and we’re not really in the mood, it can create a negative feedback loop that can ultimately make sexual encounters stressful rather than enjoyable. If you’re feeling stuck in this loop, please reach out.
How Does Society View Foreplay?
The science community calls foreplay a proceptive behavior. That traditional old song and dance of flirting, dating, and seducing is all a part of it. Proceptive behavior is largely influenced by our culture and what we as a society agree on as sexy. With this comes a lot of helpful nudges in the right direction, but it can also give us false ideals. Take the quickie, for example. Quickies are the most prevalent form of sex portrayed in mainstream media, which can suggest that sex is supposed to be fast and hot with easily achieved orgasms. Quickies have their place and can be fun, but there is so much more to a great sex life!
What’s On Your Menu?
Got your sex routine down pat? Are you experiencing the same formula every time? Try switching things around to spice things up. Talking to a sex coach can help you get your creative juices flowing again, so feel free to reach out if you need some guidance or support! In my practice, I often help clients create their own unique foreplay menu. Here are some sexy ideas you might like to add to yours!
- CONSENT. First, communication is key in any relationship, especially in sexually intimate ones. The media often portrays sex scenes as just magically unfolding without any hitches and everyone being easily orgasmic without any communication necessary. Sure, that can happen, but we know it’s not always the case. Talking about wants, needs, and consent bolsters intimacy and helps you feel connected. You might be surprised at how sexy a conversation about what you want and what your boundaries are can be. It sets you up for success. Ask your partner what they want, and tell them what you want too!
- SETTING. Set aside a special time and place to fully engage in exploring sexual intimacy with each other without specific goals or agendas. Planning a little getaway or a change of environment can create a much needed change of pace. Looking forward to time alone together allows you to build lots of fun anticipatory desire and arousal!
- ANTICIPATION. Foreplay starts well before you even take your clothes off! Try wearing some sexy panties or lingerie to get yourself in the mood. Whether or not you end up being sexual with anyone else, feeling sexy for yourself is a form of pleasure and self-love. If you have a date planned that night, send text messages like, “I can’t wait to touch you tonight.” Tell them what you’re excited to do together. If you’re in the same space, make out a little, say you can’t wait to continue it later. Building up to a sexual encounter creates sexual tension and erotic fantasy that will add to your arousal.
- TALK DIRTY. Whether it’s before, during, or after sex, talking dirty can be a sexy way to activate your turn on. Never tried it? Start out with just telling your partner that you’d like to make them feel good and ask for explicit details about what they want. It can get steamy pretty quickly! If being in the same room isn’t always an option (i.e. long distance relationships or socially distanced romances), phone sex, sexting or other forms of digital dating can be fun.
- KINK. It could be as simple as pretending that you’ve just met your partner and your flirting with a sexy stranger. Or, you might explore sexy restraints, light bondage, or power play. Whatever your preferences, try sharing them with your partner and discovering what they may be open to exploring with you. This may add a whole new dimension to sex, play, and fantasy which you may both find liberating. Remember that consent and clear boundaries are the foundation of successful kinky sex.
- WATCH A SEXY MOVIE. A steamy, sexy scene can do wonders to ignite your mood and you may get some new ideas from watching what other people do between the sheets! Click here for some sexy movie resources.
Create your own unique personal list to inspire and expand foreplay in your relationship and remember that it can begin way before you get to your bedroom or any clothes come off! If you need support exploring foreplay or other relationship needs, please reach out.