Casual sex, friends with benefits, and one night stands–they all have a common denominator: sex without a relationship commitment. If this is something you want, you can have it! Here are some pointers to help you with your more casual sexcapades.
Friends with benefits
When you know someone well, feel safe with them, and it feels realistic, a friend with benefits (FWB) may be a great choice. In this type of arrangement, you don’t need a committed partner to experience sexual satisfaction with another person. In fact, it might even reduce stress to share this type of intimacy with a friend by creating a platform for sexual exploration that will benefit your sexual satisfaction.
What if one of us develops feelings? This is a common question and warrants consideration. Communication is key here. Here are some questions to ask yourself before you enter a FWB relationship:
- Are you a person who falls in love easily?
- Do you strive to communicate clearly?
- Do you set clear boundaries and hold them?
- Would your friendship stay intact if the sex stops?
Remember that even though it’s not a committed relationship, it is still a relationship with a person who deserves your respect and open communication. Be clear about your feelings and your boundaries, and have regular check-ins to make sure you’re on the same page.
Hookups
So, you met somebody who might be a good candidate… Now what? Know what you’re looking for and be honest. No matter how you meet people, be it online or in public, go in with an idea of what you want ( and what you don’t). If you’re looking for a specific kind of experience? Make that clear. If you hit it off with someone, talk about what you’d like to experience and make sure they know that you’re not looking for a long term relationship. Lay out expectations plainly to avoid misunderstandings, drama or hurt feelings.
Dating App Roundup
One of the hardest parts of dating and finding hookups is getting out there and looking! Nowadays we have apps as an additional way to help us navigate the world of dating, casual or committed. Dream up your ideal scenario and put it into your profile. If you’re crystal clear about your desires and expectations, you’re more likely to find the ideal partner for the kind of experience you are looking for.
If you don’t know where to start, here are some of the more popular dating apps available:
- Tinder – Commonly referred to as the hookup app. It is widely used for simple hookups, but can also be used for finding long term partners and friendships.
- Feeld – A large and open-minded dating app that gives you the ability to choose from over 20 gender identities and sexualities. You can also pair your profile with your partner’s if you’re looking to date as a couple, or if you’re polyamorous and want to be transparent about your other partners. The user’s ability to be as specific as they want to be with their identity and what they are seeking is absolutely it’s strong suit.
- Grindr – Focused mainly on the gay male population. Grindr is great for hookups as it shows you people based on their vicinity to you, making it easier to meet at a moment’s notice.
- Scissr – Basically the female version of Grindr.
- Her. – An overwhelmingly positively-reviewed dating app, similar to tinder, and geared towards the lesbian, bi, and queer community.
- FetLife – If you’re specifically interested in a specific fetish or kink, this app could be a great fit. It normalizes asking for exactly what you’re looking for.
- Lifestyle Lounge – A popular app for swingers and couples looking to date together.
- Hinge – While it is mostly known as a relationship app, people are using it more and more for hookups.
- Bumble – Similar to Hinge, it is easy to start chatting with anybody. Uniquely, this app prohibits men from making the first move in a chat, unless it is a man seeking a man.
- Ok Cupid – Mostly known for people looking for long term relationships. OK Cupid does offer up a lot of space for your bio, so you can get really specific about yourself and what you’re looking for!
Safety
If you’re wanting to have casual sex or one night stands, how do you minimize the risks involved? First, know your sexual health status. Do you have any STI’s? When was the last time you were tested? Keep up to date with that information so you can share openly with new sexual partners before jumping into bed. If you are able to get pregnant, talk to your doctor about the best methods for birth control for you and your body. Unwanted pregnancies and STI’s are incredibly important to discuss beforehand. This conversation will empower you to make the right choices for yourself and allow you to go into this adventure with less anxiety.
Don’t be shy! Ask about their sexual health status too. It’s becoming more and more common to show proof of your last STI test results before sexual contact is made. Know what makes you feel safe and go with that. If you or the person who you want to have sex with currently has an STI that is transmissible, sex does not have to be off the table. Condoms do a great job protecting people from diseases and infections, but they are not a complete fail-safe. Learn about safer sex practices and risks involved with that person’s specific infection and decide what makes you most comfortable.
Consent
While casual sex can be fun and exciting, people are people and feelings can change. Remember there is no obligation to follow through. You get to decide what is right for you. Consent is key, and if you’re not giving an enthusiastic “yes,” treat it like a “no.” If your partner is not giving an enthusiastic “yes,” treat it as a “no” too. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries about what you’re willing to do and always know that you can stop sex whenever you want.
No matter how you decide to explore your sexuality, you can do so in a safe, respectful and empowering way, even with casual relationships. Be true to yourself. You deserve it! I’m here if you want to reach out for coaching.