What are “core erotic themes”?
Your core erotic themes stem from the way you need to feel in order to feel sexually engaged. It’s your own personal and unique sexual wiring….the space you need to connect to and inhabit within yourself that lights you up and makes you feel alive sexually.
Based on Jack Morin’s seminal work, The Erotic Mind, the premise is that at some point in childhood, something triggers a sexual response, which lays the foundation for the specific feelings we require to be sexually present. That “something” which triggers this theme may be consensual or non-consensual, and according to his theory, this theme doesn’t really change throughout the course of our lifetime.
It’s important to state that these are feelings, not scenarios. For example, you may want to feel dominant or powerful, ravished or submissive, merged or transcendent, naughty or taboo….these are some of the endless list of feelings that you may want to have to awaken and heighten your arousal and turn-on.
Why is this important?
If you’re having a sexual experience and you’re in the “okay”, “fine” or “pleasant” zone, connecting with your core erotic theme (whether actively or through fantasy), will you move up your arousal scale – maybe moving you from a three or four to an eight or higher. Imagining these core feelings will ramp up your engagement. And when you know what your or your partner’s core erotic theme(s) are, you’re going to have sex that’s a lot more personal — so sex becomes less about what activities you do and more about how you want to feel while you do them. Knowing your core erotic themes means knowing yourself sexually and what you want and need to be fully present in a sexual encounter. It also builds a deeper understanding of each other’s sexual & erotic map which doesn’t necessarily happen just by knowing what physical buttons to press.
How do I communicate my core erotic themes?
First, you need to know what they are. Again, this is more about the feelings derived than a physical experience and you might feel shy. For some, it’s very romantic, for others it may be quite taboo. Shyness or shame might creep in and get in the way, especially with a new partner. Whatever yours is, that’s OK, and you’re OK for having it. There are no themes better than others, there are no unacceptable themes however mainstream or edgy they may seem. You get to be you, unapologetically! Start noticing the underlying feelings to your fantasies. It’s about honoring what REALLY turns you on from an emotional and psychological standpoint. Learning your core erotic themes and understanding them means coming from a much more informed empowered place sexually. Intimacy is deepened when we are able to share these themes with a partner and create consensual settings that bring them into play.
How do I figure out what my core erotic themes are?
One of the more common core erotic themes, for example, is the desire to feel deeply wanted, taken or ravished. Take some time to meditate and explore your own fantasy world, and look at what feelings emerge that make this fantasy so exciting. When you think about your fantasies, these underlying feelings are the ones that really determine how you want to feel, how you need and long to feel, in your sexual encounters — with yourself in solo play and when you’re sexual with a partner. Again, remember that it’s the feelings we’re looking for here, not necessarily the trigger experience itself. Some of these experiences may not necessarily be pleasant to recall or have stemmed from a non-consensual experience. Identifying your core erotic theme, especially when the source comes from a difficult place, can be profoundly healing, transformational and affirming. It is in the reclaiming of your core themes that you set yourself free. You are at choice now and that’s deeply empowering.
What if these fantasies come up when I’m with my partner?
You might find these fantasies going on in the background – and that’s okay. It’s not wrong to fantasize when you’re with a partner if this is what helps you stay in the moment. There’s a belief out there that we need to be completely focused on each other at all times and if we’re not, that we are “doing it wrong,” not being an attentive enough lover or betraying our partner in some way. Your partner is not your core erotic theme. Your partner is who you play it out with. When you connect with your theme(s) you become activated, present and connected to the experience. Your green light turns on!
This feels so scandalous.
That’s understandable. Jack Morin’s book, The Erotic Mind, turned a lot of ideas about sex on their heads. Our erotic minds don’t work the way our, well, mental minds do. For some, examining their core erotic themes is easy and bringing them into the bedroom isn’t necessarily a big challenge. For others, this process needs to be approached in a safe container with sensitivity. Getting to know your core erotic themes can be a powerful way to overcome shame and one of the tools for working from sexual trauma-related challenges to sexual pleasure. This is one of the many reasons why the work I do is sexually-trauma informed; my work with people is centered on helping everyone find personal, healthy, consensual and gratifying paths to pleasure and erotic joy.
Learning about and communicating your erotic themes takes practice. I can work with you guiding you towards a healthy understanding of your own core erotic themes and help you create a safe container for sharing them, including if you’re wanting to address sexual shame or sexual trauma. Please reach out. I’m here for you.