Western culture often tends to regard “arranged marriages” as an ancient and somewhat outdated practice. The truth is this type of matchmaking is still widely practiced in many cultures around the world. Even though “hooking up” and “no strings attached” casual sexual relationships are quite widely accepted, many people struggle to create intimacy with new partners – even if it is their spouse. In fact, most arranged soon to be wed couples typically wait until marriage to have sex even if they have been courting for months beforehand.
This can sometimes create a few potential challenges; namely the reality that even if both partners are sexually attracted to one another, it is unlikely they will have sex before their long awaited wedding night. In some cases, both individuals have never been sexually intimate with anyone. When two inexperienced partners are physical for the first time, they may often feel nervous, awkward or inhibited. This can potentially strain the budding connection and inadvertently cause an early-relationship struggle which in turn makes sex seem even more intimidating.
It makes sense that things may feel awkward at first, there is most often an adjustment period where both partners need to work towards feeling sexually comfortable. Shyness or nervousness with a new sexual partner is completely normal and very common ! It’s a learning curve and some of the very same practices that apply to other relationships also apply to arranged marriages.
Some of the most common challenges in arranged marriages that I’ve encountered in my practice include:
- Lack of sexual education and fulfillment
- Erectile dysfunction and sexual discomfort or pain
- Struggles with sexuality and intimacy concerns
- Family pressure to have kids
When these challenges persist they can create stress in other areas of the relationship. It’s important that the couple work together collaboratively, and if possible with a coach, to help alleviate issues early on and to set the marriage up for sexual success (and beyond as a result!). Here Are a few pointers to help ease your transition:
Gain Knowledge
For anyone unsure about sex with a new partner, the best place to start is by educating yourself about the topic. There are many helpful books, classes, sex ed websites and educational videos available. Talking to a family member, experienced older sibling or trusted friend can help demystify and expand your knowledge of sexual intimacy. I suggest talking to someone you feel comfortable with and whom you trust to give you honest, practical advice without judgement.
Be Open
Be vulnerable and open with your partner about your feelings. Let them know what you’re curious or excited about, what you’d like to try and what makes you nervous. In addition, it’s helpful for both partners to spend some time exploring the pleasure of their own bodies first. Get to know what feels good to you through self-pleasure without needing to attend to your partner right away. You might try experimenting with your hands or with toys if you’re curious and see what feels pleasurable. When you are well acquainted with your own body, you’ll be able to better communicate your needs and desires with your new partner.
Go Slow
If one or both of you isn’t ready for sex yet, that’s ok. Go slow! Make out, touch, explore! There is no reason to rush to intercourse. There is so much other sexy fun and pleasure to be experienced with each other’s bodies as you become more and more physically intimate. If and when the time comes when you’d like to engage in intercourse, you may want to use a sexual lubricant to lessen the pressure you may both feel around penetration. Sex is so much more than just intercourse. Giving yourself and your partner the space to approach it at your own pace and in your own time will help you create a sense of trust and safety towards deepening your sexual connection.
But what if both partners in an arranged marriage are virgins?
The same applies with a virgin couple as well. Speaking honestly about your feelings, hopes, and concerns surrounding sex gives way to emotional intimacy. This openness will be the cornerstone for a positive physical experience. Reaching out to your support system (i.e. friends, family) can also help calm your nervousness. I also highly encourage you to do your own research… together! Navigating these uncharted waters together via books, online research, sex ed websites and of course “experimentation” can be fun for you as a couple when you approach it together as a team.
As always, be patient with each other. You have a lifetime together so there is no need to rush sex. And if you need professional support with intimacy in your new relationship, seek the guidance of a trusted coach or sexologist.
I’m a virgin, but my partner is not. What do we do?
Communication is key! Invite your partner to share how they’re feeling and what they might like to try. Take it slow, and reassure each other that sex can be an exploration of what feels good in the moment without expectations of a particular outcome. Try to focus on pleasure rather than performance, and encourage your partner to do the same. Taking the pressure off your differing levels of experience and being present with each other is more important than how quickly you get there. Take your time, there’s no real reason to rush.
And remember, because one of you is a virgin this is technically a “new” experience for both of you since you’ve never had sex with each other. Every person is different. Find common ground in knowing that this is a lifelong journey and adventure for both of you.
I’m a virgin, but my partner is not. What do we do?
Communication is key! Invite your partner to share how they’re feeling and what they might like to try. Take it slow, and reassure each other that sex can be an exploration of what feels good in the moment without expectations of a particular outcome. Try to focus on pleasure rather than performance, and encourage your partner to do the same. Taking the pressure off your differing levels of experience and being present with each other is more important than how quickly you get there. Take your time, there’s no real reason to rush.
And remember, because one of you is a virgin this is technically a “new” experience for both of you since you’ve never had sex with each other. Every person is different. Find common ground in knowing that this is a lifelong journey and adventure for both of you.