Whether you’re an experienced kinkster or as vanilla as they come, kink is a genre that is extremely popular and worthy of exploration. Whether Kink is part of your sexual template or not, the kink scene has a lot to teach us–not just about the wide array of sexual interests, flavors, fetishes & proclivities in the world, but about power, consent, and pleasure.
What is Kink?
Kink is an umbrella term for unconventional sexual behaviors. There are many types of kink, and so here are some of the most common:
- BDSM. Probably the most well known of the kinky genres, it’s a four-letter acronym that stands for six different things: Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. BDSM includes a wide range of activities, from blindfolds to light paddle spanking to dominant/submissive role-playing (often referred to as D/s or Dom/sub) to bondage parties and intensity play. One of the appeals is in the exchange of power, in which the sub feels pleasure in relinquishing control and the Dom feels pleasure in gaining the trust and control to take care of the sub’s needs/desires.
- Role Play. One of the most common forms of kinky sex involves creating imagined scenarios. This could be as simple as talking about a fantasy or as complex as wearing costumes or acting out pre-planned scenes.
- Fetishes: treating a nonsexual object or body part sexually. Common fetishes include the feet, leather, and rubber.
- Voyeurism or exhibitionism. Voyeurism includes watching or being watched. Having sex in a public place is one form of exhibitionism.
- Group sex. Threesomes, sex parties, orgies — group sex is any act that involves more than two people.
Why You Might Enjoy Kink
The reasons why you might want to dive into this kinky scene could run the gamut. While there is nothing wrong with plain ol’ sex, some might crave a little bit of divergence from the conventional. Maybe you have a secret fantasy you would like to explore? Maybe you really like when your partner holds your hands over your head and you wonder if restraints might feel even sexier? Or maybe you like the feeling of being trusted, in control, and pleasing your partner? Do you fantasize about being somebody else? Wearing costumes? Hooking up with a stranger? Kink can be a safe way to explore these themes and experience your fantasies with consent and pleasure at the forefront.
Role and power play can also be very healing. This kind of sexual power play appeals to many people, some of whom may have experienced sexual abuse or non-consensual sex. Allowing yourself to explore your desires safely can help address past Trauma, transform sexual shame and deepen the process of reclaiming your sexuality and the sexual activities you choose to engage in. Again, it is imperative that this take place consensually. There must be trust and an ability to communicate with conscious loving care. Reach out if you need help and support, I would be honored to walk with you through this healing process.
Whatever your desires, if you’re wanting to explore kink, finding others who want to explore with you is key. If you are partnered, bringing up fantasies or desires can feel intimidating at first. Remember that sex is a lifelong journey and change is innevitable. Opening up and sharing with your trusted partner(s) will foster connection and deepen your emotional intimacy.
Safety and Agreements
Consent and communication are the framework of fulfilling kinky sex. Whatever you’re planning, it’s important to know where it begins and where it ends. Talking through it beforehand is essential so that whatever you’re doing (whether it’s power play, acting out a scene, or having an orgy) you have shared your boundaries and you have agreed to the boundaries of all others involved.
Consent
On repeat, get permission and make sure your partner is excited about what you’re about to do. The term enthusiastic consent is powerful here. Sex and kink are only fun if everyone is having fun. So check in with yourself and your partner(s) often. Be honest when you’re uncomfortable, and be ready to stop if you need to.
Agree on Safe Words
Safe words are vital in kink play, especially when it comes to power exchanges. In some scenarios where “no” might not actually mean NO, having agreed upon words to get a real read on how things are feeling is key. Words like “yellow” and “red” can be excellent signifiers of when you might need to ease up or stop. Figure out what feels right to you, and make sure it is crystal clear.
Set Hard Limits
Part of proper consent is fully disclosing your “hard no’s,” the things you never ever want to happen. You will feel much more excited about your scene knowing that your limits have been heard and agreed to.
Pleasurable Pain
If part of what you’re doing involves mixing pain ( intensity) and pleasure (whether giving or receiving any kind of pain) check in beforehand about what kind and how much feels good, and likewise, what feels like a no/boundary.
Aftercare
Aftercare is how you hold space for physical and emotional care after sex or a scene. It is beneficial to practice aftercare even after sex that isn’t remotely kinky. Check in with each other about your experience, how it felt, hug or cuddle, and connect. This healthy habit also combats postcoital dysphoria, a common feeling of anxiety or depression after sex. Recognize that sex is an incredibly vulnerable activity and honor yourself and your partner by providing aftercare for each other.
When it comes to how your kink and power exchange takes place, use the aforementioned terminology to make sure you and your partner are on the same page. The flavors are plenty. Remember that your “yum” might be someone else’s “yuck” and vice versa; so when discussing kink, approach it from a non-judgmental perspective and with an open curious mind.
Whether you’re looking for ways to overcome challenges to experiencing pleasure, you want to go further into the realms of consent, trust and pleasure, or you simply want to add another level of fun and exploration to your sex life, seeking the advice of a sexual trauma-informed, kink-friendly professional can be very helpful.