Kissing
Ever wonder why humans are drawn to smooching? If you think too hard about it, it can start to seem like a strange behavior, but putting your mouth, face, nose, forehead, and cheeks up against your intimate partner is written all over our genetic code. So much happens when we breathe each other’s air, mingle saliva, and smooch, snog, peck, “french kiss,” or even “face suck!”
Who’s Kissing?
Mammals all over the planet have their own mating rituals, and biologists have found that other animals have their own unique rituals too. Only about half of the human population uses romantic kissing as a part of a “mating ritual.” The intimacy and important emotional and chemical exchange that happens can take place with or without the lips actually touching. The romantic kind of kissing we see in the media now is partly a cultural practice. Some cultures don’t kiss, and instead press their foreheads together or rub noses.
For those who do practice kissing, it can unleash incredibly addictive properties.
The Biology of Kissing
We kiss because it feels good! On a biochemical level, kissing is a transfer of over 80 million bacteria and a pheromone exchange. This data swap gives our bodies and minds a good idea of whether or not two people will produce healthy offspring. Chemical signals play a tremendous role in picking a mate and thus become an imperative in whom we choose to kiss. Kissing allows us to assess the immune systems of folks we might hook up with. We are generally seeking diversity. Pro-creating with a partner whose immune system or DNA is too similar to ours produces less resilient offspring. Research shows that we are often more attracted to the people who can offer us what we don’t already have.
The Benefits!
Our bodies are host to some truly fabulous feel-good neurotransmitters that go wild when we get close, kiss, and canoodle. Dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin are well known mood-boosters that surge through our systems when we kiss. This is in part because we have way more nerve endings in our lips than most other areas of our bodies, making them extra sensitive.
Studies have shown that women are more likely to orgasm when kissing is a component of sex. Also, couples who engage in deep kissing and kissing after sex report feeling more sexually fulfilled. Not only that, but kissing boosts your immune system. All of those good feelings, bacterial exchanges, and feeling cared for help our bodies fight off illnesses!
Kissing is a Conversation
Romantic kissing is a popular gateway to sex. It can be a way to set the mood, affirm the connection, and invite what you want and how you want it.
If you have ever had a “bad” kiss, it can elicit a feeling of a missed connection. The words, “we just don’t have good chemistry” might cross your mind. This statement has validity! When your face or body touches someone else and they respond in a way that feels off, we need to pay attention to that. While there is definitely something to the “bad chemistry” of it, like you guys might not be compatible mates, there is also a lot to be said for creating a practical conversation about how you prefer to kiss and be kissed. Expressing and refining your specific needs for connection can start with kissing.
How Do I Improve My Kissing Skills?
Kissing preferences are deeply individual, but there are a few universally accepted notions that might just bump up your kissing game.
- HYGIENE: A clean mouth is the first step to quality kissing. I know it’s simple, but it makes a big difference. Oral health is important for fresh breath, so don’t skip brushing your teeth, flossing, dental exams and regular cleanings.
- Be intentional and patient. Start a kiss nice and slow to see how it develops. Notice how your partner responds and stay curious. You can even ask what they want, start kissing and then pause to compliment what you liked, and dive back in. Being overly sloppy, rushing, too intense or darting with your tongue from the get go might feel mis-attuned and your partner may feel overwhelmed and pull back.
- Relax your face, soften your mouth and lips. A tight lipped kiss can feel stiff and be interpreted as disinterest in continuing, whereas softening your mouth invites deeper, longer, more sensual and connected kisses. You can start by trying it with a short kiss and observe the difference in feelings that arise. Kissing is like a dance that flows with presence and attunement.
- Remember to breathe through your nose. Inhale all the yummy pheromones and take some slow deep breaths to let your body respond to the sensations. Your slow breath will also encourage your partner’s to deepen and create a more intimate physical connection.
How Do I Ask for the Kind of Kissing I Want?
As with all human interactions, conflicting likes and dislikes arise, and they can be intimidating to talk through. Maybe your partner likes to use more tongue than you do. Or maybe they think you like it. Maybe they have bad breath. It can be hard to communicate these kinds of issues to your partner without worrying about offending them or hurting their feelings.
Ask your partner if they would be open to some guidance about what feels good to you and that you’d love to know what feels good to them. Communicate in a way that feels kind, loving and caring rather than critical or judgemental. Here are some examples:
- “Hey, I really want to be intimate with you and I’m noticing your breath is a little strong. Would you be open to brushing our teeth before we start?”
- “I love that you want to kiss me and would you mind using less tongue when you kiss me? I enjoy a gentler, slower experience with you.”
- “Do you think that, every once in a while, you could bite my bottom lip? I really like when you do that.”
Play a game that encourages intimacy and being in tune with your partner. There are lots of sexy games on the market to boon connections. Getting into these kinds of games will set up a platform for sharing more of what you want. A quick web search for sex games will yeild a miriad of games to choose from, all with a different style and aim. This form of play fosters connection when you’re getting to know a new partner, or seeking a deeper connection with a long term partner.
Reach out if you would like coaching through your journey. I’m happy to help!