How often do you want to have sex? Our desire for sexual frequency runs the gamut. Some folks plan a specific number of sexual experiences every week, some just want to enjoy it more spontaneously when the mood arises, some rarely want to have sex and some are not interested in having sex at all. It’s a delicate dance of Libido and Arousal as to when we want sex and how we get turned on.
The Difference Between Libido & Arousal
Libido and arousal are often conflated. These terms both relate to sex, however, using them interchangeably can lead to miscommunication in partnerships and incorrectly labeling yourself with problems you don’t actually have. Let’s dive into their definitions.
- Libido is how often you want to engage in sexual activity. Think of it like a sexual appetite. We have different ways of experiencing our level of desire. You might have a more spontaneous libido, where you find yourself thinking about and wanting sex regularly, throughout your day. You’re someone who feels “horny” easily and often. Or you might have a responsive desire, meaning you don’t often think about wanting sex unless you are responding to something that has allowed you to connect with your desire. Your desire is activated / responds to a certain kind of mental, emotional, psychological, erotic or physical stimulus.
- Arousal is how turned on you become when you consider having sex, think about sex, or start to engage in sexual activity. It presents itself as increased circulation, quickening of heart rate, breathing deeper, hardness, wetness, lubrication, etc… Arousal can and will change throughout your life. It is dependent on many factors, like your hormone levels, psychology, and physiology and degree of turn-on. Nobody’s arousal looks or works in exactly the same way.
Discrepancies Between the Two
With ourselves and with our partners, libido and arousal are not always aligned. What if you want sex, but your body doesn’t seem to respond? What if your partner doesn’t initiate sex, but you have a responsive libido? And when libidos seem mismatched, or arousal doesn’t show up, you might be left feeling guilty or the pressure to continue even if you don’t feel like it. Knowing your psychological and physical sexual styles is a step toward mitigating the discrepancies that can happen.
Libido in the Media
Mainstream media predominantly portrays spontaneous desire. Magazine articles tell you how to increase or “strengthen” your libido. Quizzes online offer to categorize your sex-drive into “healthy/unhealthy,” or “enough/not enough.” Oftentimes, erotica only shows us erections that never quit and vaginas that never need lube. They flood us with the untouchable fantasies that we inevitably chase after.
While having “perfection-based” fantasies, as we can all have sometimes, it is important to remember that’s all they are, fantasies. Reality can be just as sexy and far more intimate than your most “perfect” and often linear performance based fantasy, It helps to let go of the expectations that our libido “is supposed to be” spontaneous. Let the media be the media, and honor yourself and your sexuality devoid of the “shoulds” that confine us into narrow little boxes.
Sexuality is endlessly varied and we are all uniquely wired for pleasure and sexual satisfaction.
How to Learn Your Libido & Arousal Style
In order to be honest with yourself and your partner about your preferences, you have to know them first! I encourage you to set some time aside and check in with yourself about what really lights you up and activates your sense of pleasure. With libido, notice when you think about sex. How often (if at all) do you want it or find yourself initiating it? Does it feel more exciting when you are responding to someone else’s invitation or desire to be sexual with you? Or do you prefer to give yourself time to connect with your internal sensual “simmer”? And if so, what do you know about yourself and your body that invites the transition from the part of you that’s busy “doing” all day to the part of you that is ”being” and connected to your body?
As for arousal, when you engage in sexual activity, how is your body responding? Do your genitals respond right away? Sometimes natural lubrication is not sufficient and we need to use a good lube and sometimes erections ebb and flow or aren’t available. Observe your thoughts and try to withhold unkind of unhelpful judgment. Arousal can be compromised by a plethora of variables, and if you are experiencing variations in how you experience arousal, that’s very common! Are there active stressors in your present situation? Or perhaps your body is going through changes. Are you feeling connected, safe and accepted in your relationship? Sometimes it’s as easy as making sure the dishes are done before you jump in the sheets. At other times, your body is going through transitions and behaving in a new way. We all need to have compassion and patience as we learn how to make adjustments to accommodate what our bodies are actually available for or not. Whatever the cause of the interruption of arousal, move toward what your body and mind need in order for you to engage happily with your sexuality.
Approach your sexuality with curiosity and an open mind. Again, libido and arousal will change throughout your life, so take stock regularly about what feels good to you and what your body wants and needs.
Communicate Your Wants & Needs
Explore your current libido and arousal and you’ll be equipped to share more deeply with yourself and your partner(s). Agreeing to move forward with loving curiosity honors your sexual self. Acknowledge your libido and arousal styles and how to set yourself up for a loving, playful, and fun sexual encounter. It might look something like this:
- My partner and I both have responsive libidos and initiating sex doesn’t arise naturally for either of us. To make sure we keep our sexual connection alive and well, we make space weekly to be sensual with each other and let it lead where it may without pressure.
- I have a spontaneous libido and want sex often, but I find that my arousal isn’t always coming on board like it used to. I’m learning new ways to engage my sexuality and my partner and I are learning how to have good sex even when my erection wanes.
- I have a spontaneous libido and my partner has a responsive one. I used to get frustrated that he never initiated sex, but now I understand that his arousal kicks in when responding to me initiating. This understanding helped me adjust my expectations and we both feel respected and loved.
Reach Out
Figuring out what you want and need sexually is a life-long journey. Finding a path forward for some couples can be challenging, especially if the discrepancies seem hard to solve. I am here if you want professional support to address your challenges and cultivate the sex life you deserve.