Is Oral Sex part of your sexual menu? How can you have more satisfying oral sex?
Are you more of a giver, a receiver, or both? It might seem overly simple, but the key to manifesting toe-curling oral sex is making sure you are really enjoying what you’re doing, no matter which role you choose! Make mutual pleasure your priority, and reap the benefits of greater intimacy and a more fulfilling sex life.
Focus On Pleasure
So often we focus on the orgasm as the goal of sexual encounters. We “try” to “get there” by reaching this goal in order to achieve a specific ending after a crescendo of sensations. But what if an orgasm isn’t happening? “Trying” to climax or “make” your partner climax is a bit of a mind trap. It invites frustration to the table because you either achieve your goal or you don’t. It has a pass or fail energy to it. What if instead, you made fun, pleasure, and intimate connection your goals during sexual encounters. If orgasm happens, celebrate it! If it doesn’t, it wasn’t the goal anyway! It can take a while to retrain our brains to be pleasure-focused during sex rather than orgasm-focused. And, if you find yourself losing patience, gently remind yourself or your partner that the goal is just to feel good, to connect and to enjoy each other’s bodies.
Giving
Giving can be just as pleasurable as receiving. As a concept, oral sex is basically just kissing… but you get to kiss, suck, lick, etc. wherever your imagination takes you! In a past blog all about kissing, I explore the wonders of oral sensation and how it acts as a gateway to intimacy, bonding, and all the feel-good hormones our body creates. Explore your partner’s body with your mouth and notice the different sensations you experience when their skin touches your lips, your tongue… Include non sexual parts of the body too! Like your nose, cheeks, arms, legs, fingers, etc. Notice what makes your mouth water. And pay close attention to when something you like doing to your partner feels good to them too. When you see your partner really enjoying your body, the pleasure escalates!
As delicious as oral sex can be for some folks, others may feel uncomfortable and avoid it. If oral sex makes you nervous, let’s unpack some common reasons why that may be:
You feel like you don’t know what you’re doing – Do you get the feeling that you’re lacking skills or know-how when it comes to using your mouth to give sexual pleasure? The truth is that no two people like the exact same thing. Giving great oral sex means fully catering to the unique connection between two individuals. Set time aside to just explore what you both like and dislike. Be curious about each other’s bodies without the pressure of it having to lead to a specific sexual activity. Tell your partner you want to learn how to make them feel good and ask them for guidance and feedback. Clear, kind and loving communication is one of the sexiest skills you’ll ever hone.
When it feels like an obligation – Sex should never be an obligatory or coerced. If it feels like an obligation, take it as a sign to communicate with your partner about your feelings. There are many reasons why you might feel obligated to give your partner oral sex, but the truth is that you are never obligated to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Invite open communication with your partner about the feelings you have and explore how to transform oral sex from an obligation into a response to desire.
It can often feel like an obligation if your partner really likes something that you don’t enjoy doing. Address and relieve the tension this causes by talking about it and figuring out new ways to approach pleasuring each other. If you’re unsure about where to start that conversation, here is one way you can start. Share your likes, dislikes, and build up Your Menu. When likes and dislikes don’t align, break them down into:
- Yes! – Means “absolutely, I would love to do that to you!” or “Yes, please do that to me!”
- Soft No – “I’d really rather not do that, and I’m not sure that I will always feel that way.”
- Hard No – “I’m completely uncomfortable with that.”
- Maybe – “I’m not sure yet. Let’s talk more about it.”
When you don’t like the taste/smell – Good grooming and proper hygiene is an important aspect of making oral sex more relaxed and enjoyable. Taking care of your hygiene needs before and after sex can address smell, taste, and sexual health by washing away odor-causing bacteria. That being said, genitals have certain specific smells that don’t just wash off. They’re called pheromones, and science suggests human pheromones trigger arousal when we “sniff” each other. It’s typically a good sign if you enjoy your partner’s natural scent and is believed to indicate biological compatibility for baby making.
If you’re sensitive to textures, tastes, and smells, there are ways around this. Barriers are always a good option. There are condoms and barriers specifically made for oral sex. For condoms, look for unlubricated ones, as some lubricants have a bad taste and mouth feel. There are all sorts of flavors too. As for vulva barriers, dental dams or latex panties like these work really well and it still feels amazing!
Receiving
Know Yourself: Explore and enjoy yourself often and thoroughly so that when your partner goes down on you, you know more about what feels good to you. Gently guide them in the direction you like. Communicating what you prefer feels inviting, whereas telling your partner what you don’t like can sometimes feel daunting or critical. When you tell them what you don’t want, remember to give them a sense of what you do want instead! Your partner wants to please you, so be honest and kind in your delivery (ie. “It feels too intense for me when I’m touched this way; instead I’d prefer this kind of touch in these areas…” Remember that it’s a good practice to have some of these conversations before sex if you can. Keep it light and open with plenty of check-ins. Then, notice what happens when your partner is enjoying themselves with the confidence that they’re making you feel good when they go down on you.
Are you nervous about receiving? In western culture, vulvas and vaginas have been unfairly maligned as passive receptacles…complicated, messy, or somehow less important than penises. Negative socio-cultural beliefs can lead to folks with vulvas developing a limited erotic awareness of their genital pleasure. Let’s challenge those misguided beliefs by noticing when you think negatively about your genitalia and transforming your relationship with your sexual body. It’s about time we put an end to the harmful beliefs and ideas that vulvas are anything less than perfect as they are.
You deserve a happy, healthy and satisfying sex life! Contact me here if you would like professional support on your sexual journey.