What is real intimacy?
Relationships are no easy thing – communication can sometimes take everything we have, and if we don’t have solid skills, we often feel frustrated. There are those intoxicatingly blissful moments and endless days of sex at the beginning of a relationship, but as we grow to know each other more deeply, our other truths and idiosyncrasies rise to the surface. This is when, should we choose to commit to this partnership, the real work begins. But this “work” can be a real joy! It’s when we truly begin to see and to love each other in ways that can be more lasting and fulfilling.
This is also where we encounter road bumps, where we begin to realize that perhaps we have different “love languages”. Love is something most people want in our lives but for a variety of reasons, we may not always have the skills to really, deeply love and experience intimacy. Lack of ability to communicate can make or break a relationship, whether it’s figuring out how to ask someone to clean up more, give or receive more affection, or talk about our sexual desires. It’s encouraging to know that communication skills can be learned.
Love is commitment and commitment takes effort.
The first disagreement in a relationship can often tell us a lot about each other and what “love language” we each speak. Many couples have the same argument over and over and over again simply because they can’t identify the real roots of the conflict or recognize how their partner offers or experiences love (and we all do it differently).
Sex therapist Martha Kauppi, founder of the Institute for Relational Intimacy, says that the path to real intimacy (and good sex) is to “choose a path that leads to connection; that might be talking, quietly touching, saying loving things to one another, or any number of other activities.” Atalanta Beaumont, a psychotherapist, says that “all your actions throughout your relationship will accumulate either positively or negatively towards how you function as a couple and how happy you are.”
But where do we start when we’ve come to an impasse? One book that’s held its ground for over twenty-five years is Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. It’s a book many of us intimacy coaches recommend as ground zero for building communication skills in relationships, and for good reason – it’s a simple method for gaining clarity and learning more about each other. We have to be willing to move past the walls that don’t allow us to grow in intimacy and move through them. Sex and Relationship coaching offers guidance, encouragement, and accountability as you begin this path to understanding and offers ways to clarify when you reach roadblocks. The beautiful thing is that once you decide to take this step you’ll still encounter roadblocks here and there (everybody does!), but you’ll be walking the path together in commitment and growth and you’ll know how to navigate them differently.
I give clients “home play” as a method of “practicing” the skills we work on in our coaching sessions so that each session builds upon the last and we can see the progress as it happens. I’d love to help you get started on your journey to deeper communication and intimacy and support you on your way. And although phone apps weren’t a thing twenty-five years ago when Dr. Gary Chapman first published his seminal work, they are now! Check out “Love Nudge” for a fun and modern way to connect.