Trust is the foundation for a strong relationship and great sex! Breaches in trust are often at the center of relational challenges, ongoing misunderstanding and breakdowns in communication. If your relationship has gone through a rough patch and your foundation feels wobbly, it may be time to repair and rebuild.
The need to rebuild trust stems from many reasons. Sometimes it’s from being let down in the same familiar way one too many times. Sometimes it may be the process of healing after the betrayal of an affair. And sometimes it can be rebuilding trust in your own body after a traumatic or non-consensual experience. No matter how “big” or “small” your reasons are, the process is a journey and takes time; and nobody’s journey looks the same as yours.
Secure Relationships = Secure Attachment
Oftentimes, we hope that apologizing or accepting an apology, and choosing to move forward, will be enough to cure a relational wound. When we look at the breakdown of trust from an attachment theory perspective, this is only the first step, and it becomes clearer that more needs to be done for sustained security to be experienced.
Attachment theory explains that there are secure attachments and insecure attachments (“attachment” can be easily interchanged with the word “relationship”). When you feel secure in your relationship, you feel a deeper sense of trust and tend not to worry about how your partner feels about you. You also know that you and your partner won’t avoid the challenges that crop up. Instead, you trust that you can work through them together. Insecure attachment manifests in avoidant or anxious attachments.
When boundaries are crossed or trust is violated, attachments no longer feel secure. To build trust and security we need two things: acceptance of each other and willingness to work together. If you want to learn more about attachment psychology and all the different attachment styles, Diane Poole’s books and website are wonderful resources to help you dive deeper into understanding yourself and your relationship.
Take the Steps
We can break the rebuilding process down into steps. Here’s a short outline of what it could look like to enter into a rebuilding conversation. Remember that this is a practice that takes courage and vulnerability. You don’t have to follow the steps perfectly, nor expect your partner to either. The intention is to foster closeness, feel empathy and create a loving connection.
- The partner who violated the boundary really listens to their partner’s feelings with empathy, care, and curiosity.
- Have a conversation about what moving forward will look like and which new boundaries will need to be created (more on that below).
- Apologize. If you’re in the wrong, own your actions. Take full responsibility, and don’t make excuses. Express your regret.
- Acknowledge that one conversation is not going to heal the heartbreak. So promise to keep communication open and ongoing.
Boundaries
After acknowledging the breach of trust and apologizing, steps can be taken to ensure that the issue is being dealt with. This is where you get to sit down and work together on boundaries. Personal and relational boundaries are the protections you place around the values you agree to hold and respect. One common example is, “We value monogamy, so we agree not to have romantic or sexual interactions with anyone outside our relationship”. This conversation sets the correct expectations so that there is no guesswork in how you or your partner(s) want to be treated. With this example, if one of you has a romantic or sexual relationship with another person, that boundary has been violated. It can then be examined, discussed and reset.
When discussing boundaries in your relationships, you also have to consider what happens if they are violated. If you’re in a rebuilding conversation with your partner, make sure you consider what would happen if this scenario crops up again. This takes self knowledge and care, so take your time in figuring out what you need and want. If the boundary is crossed, would you end the relationship? Would you seek therapy? Would you need to take space?
Build Something New
Healing takes time and care. Be gentle with yourself and your partner and find a support system that suits your relationship. Support groups for couples are a wonderful way to see that you’re not alone. People are not perfect, and you’re definitely not alone in experiencing this kind of relationship challenge. Seeing how other couples work through their challenges can help give us hope, confidence, and accountability.
Structuring a new relationship with respectful boundaries and appropriate expectations can be challenging to do without outside support. Seek counsel, therapy, coaching, books, or classes to help you on your way. Sometimes we need help to uncover the causes that led to the issue in the first place. One book that touches specifically on infidelity is New Monogamy by Tammy Nelson.
If you would like to learn more about your sexuality, have challenges you need support with or you’re curious about how Sex Coaching can help you, please to reach out!