Conversations about sex: Consent and setting healthy sexual boundaries
Good communication skills are the bedrock of a connected, healthy relationship. Conscious communication creates space for growth, exploration and understanding as well as the opportunity to set healthy boundaries. We need to be able to identify and express our boundaries in order to have authentic, honest conversations with our partners, especially about sex.
Conversations? About what?
We’ll talk more about sexual agreements and conversations in Part 2. Today we’re primarily concerned with setting boundaries in relationship, especially as they pertain to sex and intimacy: Does a couple talk about sex? how do they talk about sex, are their needs being met? and how to work through difficult or uncomfortable topics when they aren’t. These conversations need to happen about sex and around sex, but not necessarily during sex. Ideally we find some un-rushed time to sit together and talk about sex in a way that feels safe and supportive. We share our sexual needs, desires and fantasies as well as our boundaries and limits ahead of time. That being said it’s also important to let our partner know if we need to make any adjustments during sex itself. One of the most common request being to ask a partner to slow down or to adjust the pressure, location or quality of the touch. It’s also helpful to check in after a sexual encounter and share what you loved and what you would like to explore more of next time!
Defining our boundaries
Our boundaries are going to vary from week to week, day to day, moment to moment. What might have been okay yesterday may not be okay today. What was once a boundary at 7pm on Friday night may no longer be one on Monday, or even 20 minutes later. For example you might say, I’m open to kissing and cuddling for now but not intercourse, or I would like to exchange sensual touch but not on my genitals or I would like to give you oral sex and have intercourse or I am open to playing with toys today and I need lots of lube….Sex is going to be a whole lot more fun and satisfying when we learn to feel comfortable and safe expressing our needs and boundaries.
It’s all about developing the ability to express what you’re open to and available for in a sexual situation. What you and your body might be in the mood for in that moment. It’s also about noticing what you’re not open to and to know that it’s your right to change your mind! YES, that’s right, you get to change your mind. It’s your body and you get to choose… even if that means your partner may experience some disappointment. Boundaries and consent are partners, and in a healthy relationship, it is important to discuss each other’s boundaries regularly. You need to feel safe and comfortable honestly expressing your wants and needs – both sexually and emotionally.
Boundaries can be so very sexy.
A boundary can be interpreted as a “no”, but can also be more of a “can we do this instead?” or a “I’m a no for now, what else can we do?” If we consider boundaries as guidelines, they show us where we can go and where we can’t in that moment. They offer helpful guidance so that we can have experiences that meet our needs. This guidance is a loving gift! To see it as such, instead of interpreting it as criticism, means being able to create authentic experiences with each other, rather than politely following a scripted, step-by-step sequence that may or may not go along with how we’re truly feeling or what we really want. Having this kind of intimate personal conversation with your lover shows you care and value each other’s needs and boundaries- by focusing on making it enjoyable, fun and sexy, it will lead to deeper intimacy and authentic communication…and that means better sex and more pleasure!
These communication skills do take practice, however, and may take some time to become fluent in – start where you’re at, and seek help if you need it! If you’re inexperienced sexually or have had challenges setting healthy boundaries in the past or are struggling with this at present, getting some guidance is a good idea.
In Part 2 we’ll talk about agreements, the conversations we have with our partners about how we talk about our boundaries.