Happy Belated Mother’s day to Mothers everywhere!
Challenging the Notion of Self-Sacrificial Motherhood
The word “Mother” is often connected to a myriad of personal experiences, associations and general beliefs. What comes to mind when you think of the word “Mother?” Some of us think of a traditional female happily setting a busy life aside to tend to a baby. Others might see an exhausted parent loading kids into the car, kissing boo-boos, balancing work and family, reading bedtime stories, managing tantrums, sparring with teenagers…The common denominator amongst many of the maternal stereotypes is the concept of sacrifice for the betterment of their children, which can easily often end up feeling like self-denial.
Let’s reframe and transform this tired idea of motherhood. We are all far more than one dimensional creatures. Parenting does not have to be your everything. Hobbies, friendships, romance, and sex all have their place too! As with so much in life, balance is key to tapping into the authentic you. Part of this balance is not ignoring your desires. You have hopes, goals, dreams, and yes, also a sex-drive! Sexuality is a part of the human experience. I know, you may be busy being a parent, along with all the other hats you wear, and maybe you feel like romance is a ship that has sailed for now…but let me share some helpful tips on allowing your sexuality to flourish even when your life is busy with things that are decidedly not feeling sexual.
Hold Space for Your Sexuality
Make a connection with your desire by prioritizing your health and self-care. This can be challenging for moms, as they are often seen as the most sacrificial archetypes of life. But, as with oxygen masks on an airplane, you have to care for yourself before you can care for anybody else. Nurture your sexuality and begin to reconnect with your deeper longings and desires.
It could start with something as simple as creating time to take a sensual bath. Set the scene to cater to your taste and preferences – candles, music, aromas, oil or lotions, pampering. This practice is a way of “simmering” and a gentle invitation to explore your senses and connect with yourself as a sensual and sexual being. The little ways in which you remember your sensual nature and begin to reconnect with your desires can (cause) lead to a big shift in sexual interest and satisfaction, whether you’re partnered or single.
Cultivate Your Simmer
Nurturing your personal “simmering” menu is deeply beneficial, and in this context it can also help build and maintain a sexual bond when sex is infrequent. Staying attuned to your needs and desires builds healthy positive tension which can feel sexy and increase our sense of longing and anticipation.
Self-Pleasure and Self-Care Suggestions:
- TOUCH: Receiving and giving touch can ground us and help us feel secure in our bodies and with others. Enjoy a massage. Hug. Kiss. Squeeze.
- BODY: Nurture your body. What makes you feel comfortable and sexy in your body? Personal grooming, warm showers and luxurious baths, hot-tubs, face masks, hair care, lotions, exotic oils, etc.
- EXERCISE: Walking, running, jogging, swimming or any favorite sport that makes you feel alive!
- DANCE: All forms of dance, belly dance, jazz, African dance, salsa, hip hop, pole dancing. Female centric body-positive pole dancing classes have been known to increase confidence and awaken sensuality. Here’s an inspiring documentary from Netflix called Strip Down, Rise Up about people learning pole dancing and discovering an empowered connection with their bodies and their sensuality. Watch the trailer here.
- GO OUTSIDE: Get out in nature!
- LINGERIE: Wear sexy lingerie for YOU even if you don’t plan on anyone else seeing it.
- REST: Make time for adequate and regular sleep and relaxation.
Take this list and run with it, add to it, make it your own. In a recent blog on foreplay, I addressed many ways to build healthy sexual tension and desire; Connect with your body and give it some much needed TLC ( your body will thank you for it!) and remember to focus on curiosity and pleasure rather than of ticking a task off on your to-do list. And if you feel the need for help and support, feel free to reach out to me.
Modeling Sexual Health for Your Kids
While you nurture the benefits of being in touch with your sexuality, maintaining a healthy approach to sex will also benefit your kids. Topics like anatomy, boundaries, relationships, and body image are mostly taught to kids through modeling. They watch you move through the world and they learn so much about how to behave from your behavior. How do you talk about your body in front of your kids? Are you loving and accepting towards yourself or do you find yourself often critical? Ask yourself how you’d like to hear your child talk about their bodies and extend that kindness to yourself!
The Talk(s)
Talking to your kids about sex can sometimes feel uncomfortable – this is completely normal! It is fine to be timid about such a vulnerable topic. And you’re not alone. While there are a lot of ideas about how to talk about sex with kids, it starts with laying a foundation in which it is OK to talk about in the first place. Ideally your “Talk” is not an isolated event, but rather an ongoing conversation based on open, age-appropriate communication and good habits from the get-go. This practice is essential in helping our kids create healthy relationships, lower the risk of STI’s and unwanted pregnancies. Ditch the idea of doing it “right” and focus on connecting with your child. When you create a safe space for your kids to come to you with questions or concerns about sex and sexuality, you’re doing just fine!
Books
If you want some direction or helpful ideas on talking with your kids about age appropriate anatomy, sexuality and relationships, there are multitudes of great books to help you. Here are a few of my favorites:
- The Sex Education Answer Book: By the Age Responses to Tough Questions Kids Ask Parents About Sex
- Project Parent: Preparing Yourself for Your Child’s Sex Education
- se.x: the all-you-need-to-know sexuality guide to get you through your teens and twenties
- Sex is a Funny Word: A Book About Bodies, Feelings, and YOU
Remember, you are a multifaceted human being with unique desires and preferences. Make time for yourself to connect with your sensuality / sexuality. Your sexual health is an integral aspect of your general health and your deserving body will thank you for it!
If you are seeking help or support reconnecting with your sexuality please reach out. I am here to support you!