Marriage without sex? Yes, it happens.
Sexless marriage is one of the most common reasons couples come to work with me, and if you’re in one, you’re not alone — numerous recent studies from the past few years have shown that at least 15-20% of all marriages in the US are sexless — but the good news is that there are some practical solutions to bringing the sexy back!
How do people end up in a sexless marriage?
There are a variety of reasons people end up in sexless marriages; sometimes personal health raises challenges; sometimes we get caught up with life – things like work, stress and parenthood, can zap the sex life right out of an otherwise happy relationship. Sometimes, we forget how to communicate about sex, or maybe we don’t yet have the skills to truly ask for what we want and need, or we fall back into a habitual routine.
Esteemed sex therapist, Martha Kauppi, refers to this habitual, formulaic pattern as “linear” – it starts with a look, maybe some hand-holding, some kissing and making out, some clothing removal, etc. – a scripted pattern of sequential steps that we frequently see in porn and in romance stories, and a pattern that we can often default to as the ‘standard’ once the honeymoon phase is over. Many of us believe it’s what sex “should” be becomes that all we know it to be.
Unfortunately, this linear approach to sex is incredibly unforgiving – it doesn’t make room for things not going “according to plan,” (which happens frequently), then in turn leads to disappointment, a feeling of failure and disconnection. At this juncture sex may become very infrequent or couples often give up altogether. Sometimes we take it personally, sometimes we blame it on our partner. We might feel unwanted, undesirable, or believe there’s something wrong with us; which added to the lack of connection can make it even harder to communicate these feelings. Once the elephant settles into the room, we end up watching Netflix in our pj’s and munching on popcorn…ironically, often watching shows that contain plenty of sex. This leads us to thinking that everyone is having tons of sex except for us.
So what do we do?
In part two, I’ll talk more about the perspectives of men and women in sexless marriages. We’ll talk about building communication skills, looking at potential health challenges that might be causing libido loss, and what a more “circular” approach to sex can look like. If you’ve found yourself in a sexless marriage,remember that you’re not alone, and that this is a topic many couples seek my help and support with. I’m here for you – let’s bring sexy back!