Halloween is around the corner so why not bring your imagination, erotic fantasies, and favorite costumes into your bedroom for the holidays? It’s the perfect opportunity for stepping out of routine–wearing a sexy costume, playing a role, acting out fun scenarios, and taking on a persona that you might otherwise be too shy or self-conscious to explore. It doesn’t have to be limited to Halloween! You can use this holiday to tap into your erotic imagination throughout the year!
Take pride in your fantasy life
Remember that your brain is the biggest sex organ in your body. Keeping it alive and engaged will help you enjoy your sex life in a more personal way; and the realm of fantasies can be a vital part of that. Many of us have sexual fantasies. Maybe you’re keeping yours to yourself? or maybe your partner knows full well what you’re thinking! We can do as we please with them, but if shared, fantasies can serve to enhance your connection with your partner while keeping your sex life interesting, juicy and exciting!
Novelty
Engaging in fantasy during sexual encounters brings newness, and novelty is a powerful flavor to include in your sex life. When you’re in a long term relationship, switching things up helps keep it fresh and decreases the possibility of falling into a predictable routine. Instead of simply switching positions or settings, costumes allow us to play out imaginative fantasies–sometimes fantasies you didn’t even know you had! Newness brings intrigue. Intrigue brings excitement. Excitement brings arousal.
Some common fantasies
- Role play and dress up – simple roles to play that might seem cliché by now, can still be just as fun. Nurse and patient. College professor and student. Strangers at a bar. While acting on these fantasies in real life could be taboo, embracing and accepting your taboo fantasies and bringing them into your sex life can add a healthy dose of adrenaline and spontaneity.
- Acting out a sex scene you like from a movie. Simple and delightful.
- BDSM and Power exchanges – dominant and submissive power exchanges are ways of exploring as personalities and erotic archetypes reveal themselves naturally between the sheets. But you can also make an explicit agreement with your partner to enter into this kind of sexual dynamic. Whether you’re interested in taking charge or submitting, power play can bring a lot of freedom and joy into your sex play.
- Sex outside or in public – this is a common fantasy that, while fun in theory, needs to be kept in check. Always keep consent in mind. The thought of being caught can be arousing! And while you might be going out for a sweet romp in the forest, others who stumble upon you have not consented to witness your lusty display. Use discernment and discretion. From simply having sex in a more open space in your home, to venturing out into a sex club where consent is given at the door, there are many ways to scratch this sexy itch that won’t violate the consent of others.
- Multiple partners – threesomes, group sex, sex parties, swinging and sex clubs are ways that some folks explore consensual non-monogamy. Keeping safe practices and consent at the forefront and making sure you are on the same page as your partner are key to having a fun, safe and satisfying experience
So many fantasies fall under the “kink” category. Kink is just a kind of catch-all term for unconventional sexual behaviors. Want some more information about kink? Take a look at this previous blog on kink.
Exploring your fantasies by yourself
Take time for yourself while exploring whatever sexy fantasy pleases you. Not all of your fantasies need to be explored with a partner. Read some erotica to find out what your sensual mind delights in. Use this time to explore and appreciate your ability to expand as a sexual being. You are not confined by routine or how sex “ought to look” according to society’s standards. You are your own person with a unique set of desires and needs. Sexual self exploration is a uniquely intimate pathway to embracing and celebrating our individual sexuality and erotic mind.
Inviting a partner into your fantasy
Sharing your fantasies with a partner does not mean you have to do it. For example, you might fantasize about your partner enjoying watching you have sex with another person. This might not be a practical fantasy to act out if your relationship doesn’t allow for it, so talk about what is exciting about it for you. Figure out the realistic ways to engage with your fantasy. So if you like the idea of your partner watching you, maybe you’d like to be watched while you masturbate. Sometimes just talking about fantasies is enough to connect you and stoke the embers of your sexual appetite!
If your partner doesn’t want to engage with your fantasy, that’s ok! Don’t pressure each other if you are not feeling it. Relationships benefit from being able to express your boundaries and limits. Sharing your fantasies with each other without the expectation of them coming to fruition is trust-building. Remember if it’s not an enthusiastic “yes,” take the pressure off and receive it as a “no.” If they think about it and decide they want to, let them bring it up to you the next time you talk about fantasies.
When a fantasy is a bit more taboo than you’re comfortable inviting another person into, do a little research and/or ask for help from a sex coach or professional. Notice if there’s any shame about your fantasies or judgment about yours or your partner’s desires. There are often underlying needs or desires within fantasies that can be explored, processed and integrated into our understanding of what really turns us on sexually. For example, consensual non-consent is a common fantasy that can be hard to understand for some. But the underlying theme that drives the fantasy might be simply to relinquish control during sex or to surrender. For a person who is in charge of many spinning plates or caring for lots of people in daily life, this might feel extremely freeing. When fantasies are discussed with vulnerability and compassion, you feel a sense of deeper acceptance and your sex life becomes more intimate.
So, If you want to add some flavor to your sex life, try exploring your fantasy world. And if you have questions or you’re seeking advice from a trauma-informed, kink-friendly professional, please feel free to reach out!