How do we begin to improve our sexual connection when we feel a lack of sexual compatibility? What makes people seemingly incompatible? And is there always a route back to sexual connection?
Why are we attracted to certain people?
Why do we look forward to being in their presence? Or want to have a relationship with them? Sometimes it’s hard to put a finger on it, “I just like their energy/vibe/spirit.” People are pretty good at quickly deducing who a person is, what their values are, and how much they might have in common with them! We might not be able to explain why, but when we look at the research, it’s actually pretty simple…
Let’s get down to the basics of liking somebody. Social Psychology breaks down liking someone on several connecting points such as similarity (what you have in common), proximity (how physically near a person is to you and amount of time you spend together), and self disclosure (what you tell each other about yourselves). The more of these things you have, the more you’ll typically like each other. Sexual compatibility works in the same way.
- Similarity is key in compatibility with sex and romance. If you’re giving and receiving love and affection in ways that feel misaligned, you’ll experience a dissonance which feels like incompatibility.
- Proximity is a basic and easily overlooked component of liking and compatibility. The closer the physical presence to each other and the more often you see each other, and therefore the more opportunities you have to deepen your relationship.
- Self-disclosure creates intimacy. Research shows that when one discloses information about themselves, the other will likely respond in kind. Sharing information about yourself and being curious about your partner’s similar experiences fosters intimacy that translates into trust and comfort.
What causes sexual incompatibility?
Feeling incompatibility usually prevents relationships from developing, such as, quickly noticing dissimilar values, communication issues, emotional unavailability, lack of physical attraction, etc. You sense it pretty quickly when you feel it, and most folks avoid relationships with people they’re truly incompatible with.
When you’re in a relationship that once felt compatible but no longer does, this might be some of the growing pains of long term relationships. Perhaps there isn’t the intimacy or quality time that there once was. Maybe you’re growing in different ways and it feels uncomfortable. Maybe your levels of desire for sex are different. Or maybe you’re just mourning the loss of the novelty and excitement of a new relationship.
Mistaking New Relationship Energy for Love
At the beginning of a relationship, you may find yourself having sex with your new partner whenever you can. The feeling is intoxicating, like you can’t get enough of each other. This intoxicating phenomenon is called new relationship energy (NRE). It’s easy to revel in the novelty and excitement of new love. It creates a delicious hormonal storm of desire, connection, and arousal. NRE can last months, even up to a few years, which can set you up for a feeling of let-down as the relationship matures and the novelty wanes. The constant desire, connection, and arousal changes. Many confuse this adjustment with a lack of chemistry, when in actuality it’s our bodies returning to a normal level after a big high.
Knowing about NRE can help you prepare for its eventual waning by setting yourself up for long term relationship success. For example, knowing that sex may not always be an effortless and drop-of-the-hat kind of experience for you can encourage healthy conversation about where your relationship is headed and whether your long-term relationship goals and sexual desires are similar. This kind of mindset allows room for both the grief of moving past NRE and excitement of moving into a stable love relationship.
How can we bring it back?
NRE is chemical and doesn’t last, but love can! And sex is a fertile area for creativity and adventure. If your life is feeling too ordinary, bring a little spontaneity and novelty to the bedroom. There are all kinds of ways to nurture a sexual relationship and address what might feel like incompatibility.
- Make sure you make time for each other to be intimate, even if just to touch each other and talk.
- Share your interests with each other. Even if you grow into different people, the desire to learn about your partner as they grow (and vice versa) will bolster any intimacy already there.
- Acknowledge the areas in which you aren’t similar and come to healthy acceptance and accommodation around it. This is called differentiating and it’s healthy for relationships.
- Pay homage to your initial spark. Find ways to revel in the different stages of the relationship you’ve had. Go back to the restaurant where you had your first date. Look over your old pictures or love notes. Respect the relationship’s past and remember what drew you to each other in the first place.
Enjoy connecting and reconnecting with the love(s) in your life. Reach out if you’d like help on your sexual journey.