What is Sexual Shame?
Sexual shame is a feeling of deep responsibility combined with a sense of guilt associated with sexual activity or fantasy. Unaddressed sexual shame can lead to overly focusing inward in a negative way, problems with self-worth and intimacy; it can harm relationships, and in some cases can lead to acting out sexually.
We are not born with sexual shame. It can come from many places: culture, religion, trauma, media, etc. In this blog, I’ll talk about how culture can shroud us in shame and impair our right to feel sexually educated, informed and liberated. We all deserve a happy and healthy relationship with our sexual selves.
Cultural and Religious-Based Sexual Shame
Many people grow up in a worldview that doesn’t value their sexual well-being and instead stifles it. How and with whom we spend our formative years is crucial to our education and can promote damaging views on sexuality. Whether it is the church, media, or the strongly held values of the place you grew up in, we all contend with false ideas of what is “good” or “bad” regarding sex. What if the expectations you were brought up with are simply ways for your culture to control your behavior in the bedroom? Here are some examples of how cultural systems can promote sexual shame:
- Homophobia still thrives within many cultures. If you grew up in a homophobic community and you have same-sex attraction, you may experience understandable challenges with your sexual identity, your ability to feel accepted coming out to others, and your ability to feel safe embracing the sex-life that truly reflects who you are.
- Society’s interpretation of the “ideal woman” or the “ideal man” is an incredibly narrow-minded trope and few people fit the bill. Perhaps your gender role is uncomfortable for you and you’d like to explore beyond it. Or maybe your body doesn’t conform with the “ideal” shape. If you’re a woman, “be more agreeable! .” If you’re a man, “be more aggressive!” If your gender falls outside of this binary, “you don’t belong.”
- Religion has a far reaching influence on cultural views of sex. Even if you aren’t particularly religious, you may be surprised by how many ideas of “what is normal” to you came from conservative views perpetuated by religion. Homophobia, slut-shaming, silencing survivors of assault, victim-blaming, and feeling like your desires are sinful are all ideas proliferated in many dominant religions.
- Sex education curriculum is a major component of how we engage with our sexuality. What were you taught in sex ed? Even in public schools, it is not uncommon for the curriculum to teach reproduction, diseases and abstinence only. There is often zero talk of sexual pleasure. Reducing sex education to abstinence and saving sex for marriage, rather than teaching safe-sex practices, can leave folks totally unprepared for safer sex. This frequently leads to sexual shame in addition to thousands of unplanned pregnancies and STIs.
How Shame Can Impact Sex
If you struggle with sexual shame, you might find yourself saying things like, “my body isn’t doing what it should,” implying that there is something wrong with you. Shame is a breeding ground for low self-esteem, and when you’re not feeling your best, let alone “worthy” of pleasure, it can affect your ability to experience meaningful intimacy in your relationship. Shame might also show up as sexual “dysfunctions” such as pain during sex, or an inability to maintain an erection. You might feel unfulfilled in your sex life because you don’t feel like you can be honest about what you want, or even who you want to be with! Internalized homophobia, is a very common form of sexual shame, and feeling the pressure to stay closeted/be with a person who you don’t want to be with is denying yourself your right to be accepted for who you are, just as you are.
How Does Shame Show Up in Your Mind and Body?
Shame can leave you feeling like a shell of who you truly are. Feeling unwanted, unworthy, and scared can lead to anxiety, depression, and loneliness. Your body might not desire sex at all, or if you do, you might freeze, or feel intimidated to ask for what you want, or feel reluctant to expresses your boundaries or preferences. You may end up having “obligatory sex” sacrificing your own pleasure or just letting your partner “finish” because you believe that’s your marital duty.
How Do We Address the Shame Your Culture Imposed On You?
How you choose to support yourself and/or your partner as you address sexual shame in your relationship can go a long way towards strengthening your bond and fostering intimacy.
There are many books that delve deep into the subject, such as Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy, and Beyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms,and many more on my resources page.
Therapy is a pathway to help heal Sexual Shame. You can reach me here if you would like support on your healing journey as an individual or as a Couple. The focus of recovery will be to reclaim your sexuality in whatever way feels most authentic to you. Deconstructing harmful cultural beliefs of who you “should” be, how you “should” behave and how you “should” feel and redesigning your own system of personal values.
You have a right to stand up for your own ideas and answer to yourself. Know that you are worthy of pleasure. Your body is good. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You are capable of having a fulfilling sex life.