What is Sexual Shame?
Sexual shame is a feeling of deep responsibility combined with a sense of guilt associated with sexual activity or fantasy. Unaddressed Sexual Shame can lead to overly focusing inward in a negative way, problems with self-worth and intimacy; it can harm relationships, and in some cases can lead to acting out sexually.
Sexual shame can originate from many places: culture, religion, media, trauma, etc. In this blog, part 2 on the topic of Shame, we will examine how shame sometimes manifests itself in our lives and our relationships as well as how to address it when it stems from physical sexual trauma.
Shame From Sexual Trauma
Sexual assault, coercion, and abuse are so prevalent in our society. In the USA alone, one out of every six women and one out of every 33 men is the victim of a sexual assault. Sexual trauma can lead to sexual shame because of the association between sex and fear, confusion, secrecy, pain, and/or power. The toll this takes on healthy sexual self-expression and intimacy can feel deeply repressive and generate all kinds of toxic beliefs about our sexual self-worth. If you’ve experienced non consensual sex or you are suffering with shame, please know that you can address, overcome and heal your relationship with your body and your sexuality. You have a right to feel empowered and at choice around your sexuality.
Cultural sexual shame and sexual harm caused by individuals are inextricably linked. Commonly accepted beliefs within our cultural expectations allow oppression and abuse to survive on an individual level. We can’t talk about one without addressing the other. Culture plays a huge role in maintaining oppressive ideologies that prevent people from getting the help they need when they are being abused. That being said, if you have endured sexual trauma, your journey out of sexual shame might look different from someone else whose shame stems from a repressive belief system.
Please refer back to part one of this blog if you’re interested in understanding more about Cultural or Religious based Sexual Shame.
How Shame Can Impact Sex
Survivors of sexual trauma may experience Shame in different ways. Because your sexual safety was compromised in the past, sex may fee sometimes unsafe to you. Struggling with the weight of shame from sexual trauma can leave you feeling like there is something innately wrong with you. Feeling like your body is “betraying” you, or not “doing what it ought to” is a common thought for survivors. Please know that, There is nothing wrong with you. It is not your fault.
Shame can be breeding ground for low self-esteem/self-worth, and when you don’t feel “worthy” of pleasure, sexual connection can feel like a struggle. You may experience a sexual “dysfunction” such as painful sex or ED or find yourself checking out or dissociating and/or just waiting for sex to be over. You might avoid sex altogether or seek it out in compulsive ways that could be harmful to you or to others.
How Does it Show Up in Your Mind and Body?
The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma teaches us that our bodies store trauma in all kinds of ways and places. You might dissociate when you feel triggered during sex. Panic attacks can be common if you suffer from PTSD or cPTSD. Negative feelings can cause shame to build up and become a repetitive cycle. There is no predictable pattern that defines how trauma creates shame. We all respond differently to challenging events and however shame is affecting your life, you deserve to find healing.
How Do We Address Shame From Sexual Trauma
Individual or couples therapy can be deeply healing. There are many different types of therapy that are extremely helpful for people who have PTSD, or cPTSD:
- Psychodynamic therapy focuses on the meaning of the trauma in terms of your sense of self and how you view the world, to gain insight in promoting healing and recovery.
- Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) is a short term, evidence-based cognitive behavioral therapy. The focus is on your recovery and it teaches you how to be your own therapist when future problems arise.
- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) is a psychotherapy model that can help you heal from the symptoms and emotional distress of trauma through therapist directed eye movements, hand-tapping, audio stimulation, or a variety of other external stimuli.
- Somatic Experiencing is a body-centered approach to treating PTSD that, rather than focusing only on thoughts or emotions associated with a traumatic event, expands to include the natural bodily (somatic) responses.
A therapist can help create a self-care care plan based on your specific needs and goals. Please reach out to me here if you are seeking somatic compassionate support on your healing journey.
Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma and other books are available on my resource page to help guide you on your path to healing.
Honest communication with your partner will bolster your trust and emotional intimacy. Healing together can be a profound gift for a loving relationship.
Wherever you are on your path towards healing Shame, know that your body is good and that you are worthy of pleasure. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You are capable of having a happy, fulfilling and empowered sex life.