What is the language of love?
If you’re here, likely you’ve heard of Gary Chapman’s seminal work, The Five Love Languages. These “languages” express the different ways we feel loved and appreciated. Chances are, you may not have the same love language as your partner, and so, learning our partner’s love language can make all the difference to our experience of feeling loved and appreciated in a way that is aligned with who we are.
But how do we learn our languages of love?
Author and speaker Esther Perel, who speaks nine languages, believes that love is “dynamic and active. Imbued with intention and responsibility. And it is a verb” — and that verbs are generally the first thing we learn when learning a new language. She believes the answers to how we learn to love (and how we develop our own love languages) can be found in seven verbs, and that examining them as adults allows us to see our weak spots and what triggers our defense mechanisms. This process grows our capacity for intimacy.
When we learn these verbs as children, some grow strong while others grow weak. As adults, they become built into the foundation of our defense mechanisms and our survival strategies; our strengths and our vulnerabilities.
So, if you want a modern history lesson in how you learned to love, I invite you to take a look at your verbs.
The seven verbs she pays the most attention to: to ask, to take, to receive, to give, to share, to refuse, to play/imagine. What happens for you when you “take a look at your verbs?”
To truly understand ourselves and how we learn to love, Perel offers this exercise:
Ask yourself: Which of these verbs is strongest for you? And which is weakest? Is there one that could use a little extra care?
Since all of them come into play when we face the everyday demands of love, conflict and connection you may find some are a bit more robust than others.
As you embark on this self assessment, take notice of which relational skills need a little extra practice. And I challenge you to pick one verb this month and make it a focus. Give it massaging, caring, effort to build that muscle.
What is it we need to learn how to ask for? Do we know how to truly receive? Can we give freely and share? Are we in touch with our playful, imaginative natures? This can be deep, intense work. It may bring up pleasant memories as well as some we’d hoped to forget, but when we delve into them, we can explore what may be holding us back from authentic,connected, deep love in the present. Give this a try, and explore your verbs. If you’re struggling with this, I’m here to help.