Making time for sex and taking advantage of our windows of sexual opportunity can sometimes feel like a challenge. Enter the quickie! Pleasure does not need to take a backseat when your life gets busy. Let’s explore the ins and outs of making the most of your quickies and prioritizing pleasure.
So what does a quickie entail? Just like everything with sex, there’s no right or wrong way to define it. As long as it’s fun and honors the shorter time-frame that you have available.. In the media, Quickies are usually portrayed as spontaneous, fast-forwarded versions of stereotypical sex. No communication, no foreplay, and no problem with both partners reaching their orgasms. In reality things may not always happen just like that.
What to try instead
Communicate with your partner about what sort of connections you both want to prioritize, and plan out the best times to… fit it in. Planning ahead and even scheduling is a great way to maximize your opportunities for satisfying encounters on the clock.
Check in with your partner and make a note of a few things: How much time can you both agree will be available to dedicate to a quickie? What do you and your partner both want to get out of a short encounter? Set reasonable expectations for what you can and can’t do within the time constraints.
Simmering and Building Up
For many of us, it takes some “warming up” to get turned on and to get out of our busy minds.Physical arousal and mental arousal are not always in sync and this can cause some to suspect the quickie might not be fun or satisfying for them. If this is a concern for you, try to engage in “simmering” with yourself (your own sense of desire) and with your partner. Simmering is maintaining an awareness of your own sense of pleasure and “bubbling” arousal throughout your day. Think of it as your sexual accelerator or putting a little gas in your sexual/sensual tank. We all have sexual brakes (turn-offs) and sexual accelerators (turn-ons) and familiarizing ourselves with them helps us understand our sexual make-up. This can look any number of ways. Maybe you send sexy text or voicemail messages periodically throughout your workday. Or if you are spending a busy day together, touching and flirting periodically. Allowing yourself to connect with a sense of anticipation….then, when you get that moment, to finally be alone together, having a quick sexual/sensual connection. Simmering, anticipating and understanding your sexual accelerators ( and brakes) can act as a build-up to a main event, so even if it only lasts 5 minutes, you’re sure to remember it! Check out the fabulous Emily Nagoski’’s New York Times bestseller Come as you are for a deeper dive into Sexual Brakes and Accelerators.
Variety
Quickies don’t have to mean penetration. There are so many more ways to have sex than intercourse. Hand sex, oral sex, phone sex (aural sex), sexting, or making out like you’re teenagers can all fit under the quickie umbrella. The idea is to give yourselves over to a quick and passionate exchange to invigorate your intimacy and show each other that you want/ desire each other. If you do end up having penetrative sex, be sure you have plenty of lubricant on hand, as bodies might not provide enough natural lubricant fast enough for penetration to be comfortable without it. And if it’s not comfortable, even with the lube, don’t do it!
Get Your Body In The Mood
If you are someone who is more responsive than spontaneous (which is millions of people) touching yourself before the quickie can help you transition from your head space to your body space. If you’ve scheduled your quickie and you’re anticipating it, go ahead and consider getting started on your own. This will help your body feel alive and ready when it happens, and further that simmering build-up. You can even add a text to tell your partner what you’re up to and how excited you are.
Dress for the occasion
If you know you’re going to be having sex later and you don’t want to have to completely disrobe, wear something that allows for easy access. Or wear something that’s easy to take off and put back on. Also, you might want to wear something you feel sexy and confident in or that you know your partner loves to see you in: your/their favorite set of lingerie, or the pants that make your butt look just so good.
Have the Right Tools at Hand
Having what you need on hand to have the kind of sex you want in a swift and passionate way makes everything easier. Have a favorite sex toy? Bring it. Do you use condoms or other protection? Have it ready. And I know I already said it, but I’ll say it again, lube! Lube is great for penetration, yes, but it’s also a must for hand sex. Have fun with it and pack a little bag of goodies.
Location Location Location
Change up where you have sex. It doesn’t always have to be the bed! When you have more locations that you know you and your partner would consent to, you open up room for spontaneity as well! Where will you be when you might have a spare moment? The shower? The kitchen? The couch? The floor? Wherever you are, if it’s secluded and you’re in the mood, go for it! Just make sure that you know you’re in a place where you have privacy so you can focus on your experience and on each other.
Position
One last thing to consider during a quickie (if you’re having penetrative sex): position. Talk with your partner about your favorite positions and find simple ones that you both like. Some positions are more conducive to quickies, like some standing positions for shower sex, or straddling seated positions for car sex. Have fun researching different sex positions on the internet or check out the ‘Kama Sutra” with your partner.
Your sex life doesn’t need to be put on the back-burner because of a crowded schedule. Welcome this challenge as an invitation for creativity and new ways to connect with your partner. As they say, “adversity is the mother of invention,” your busy life might bring forth ingenuity and a new spark to your sex life. Have fun!
If you’d like support on your sexual journey, please reach out here!