Throuples: Three’s Not a Crowd!

Image via Marvel Comics

Written in celebration of Polyday, this November 23rd. With lots of love to all polyamorous couples, thouples and beyond! 

As we rapidly approach 2021, the world is becoming more and more tolerant of different forms of sexual expression. We’re noticeably moving away from the typical heterosexual romantic couple and beginning to see all types of relationships. Enter: polyamory.

Polyamory is becoming much more frequently acknowledged in various forms of media. In fact, November 23rd has been recognized since 2006 as Polyday by more and more people and organizations around the world. One growing form of polyamorous relationship is called a “throuple.” It is a unique trifecta that is gaining more popularity than public scrutiny. But first things first…

What is a Throuple?

In essence, a throuple is a couple involving three people, not to be confused with a threesome, which is about three individuals having a sexual experience together. Incidentally, 78% of people have thought about or considered having a threesome. There isn’t yet any data on how many have contemplated a throuple, which furthers the point that these two types of relationships are decidedly different. While a throuple may engage in sexual activity with each other, it isn’t solely about the sex, it’s a committed primary relationship between 3 people.

A throuple is also not the same as an open relationship which is often about having sexual encounters, or another relationship with another partner outside the primary relationship. There are closed throuples and open throuples. An open throuple or triad may involve one or all of the partners being sexual with other people as well as being a part of the throuple. Likewise, a closed triad means that all three people are only romantic and sexual with the other two members of the group. It’s just like a monogamous couple, but with one extra person in the mix.

We’ve seen an emergence of throuples and other types of polyamorous relationships particularly among Gen Z and younger generations. They represent a future that doesn’t see gender simply as  “male” and “female” like their ancestors did. There is an openness towards fluidity and gender expression, which results in non-binary identities and the usage of “alternative” pronouns such as “they,” (most commonly used) as well as “ze,” “sie,” “hir,” “co,” and “ey.” For the younger crowd, it was a natural evolution towards an acceptance of alternative relationship configurations.

Make no mistake though – throuples are not just for the young ‘uns or reserved for those on the fringe of society. They are quickly making their way into public consciousness as seen in this recent article about a mutual relationship between celebrity Rev. Jerry Falwell, his wife Becki, and business associate Giancarlo Granda. Here are a few other iconic throuples from the headlines:

• Reality star Scheana Shay has come out as having been in a throuple with John Mayer and co-star Stacie Adams from The Hills.
• An interesting new move in the comic book world is the joining of three iconic Marvel heroes, Wolverine, Cyclops, and Jean Grey. The three have always had a bit of a love triangle, but Marvel made the move to explore what a throuple between the three would look like.
• The 2012 film Savages, directed by Oliver Stone and starring Taylor Kitsch, Blake Lively, John Travolta and Benicio del Toro, features a throuple in which Blake LIvely is in a committed relationship with two of her co-stars.
• The L Word features a lesbian throuple, becoming one of the very first same-sex polyamorous storylines on a popular television show.

Other than three people being in one committed relationship, there are no other ground rules. Throuples can be made up of individuals of any sexual orientation or gender identity who want to explore commitment with each other. Apart from that, it’s up to the throuple to map out their own journey. With that in mind, there are a few things to consider…

Throuple Pros and Cons

A throuple isn’t right for everyone. However, it can also be exactly what a relationship needs. It’s important to weigh the pros and cons in deciding if a throuple is right for you.

First, The Pros

• You don’t have to fulfill all your partner’s needs. Your partner may meet many or even most of your relationship needs, but not all of them. For example, if your significant other is bisexual, there may be something they’re missing that you simply aren’t able to provide. Having a third member in your relationship can address unmet or unfulfilled needs and help fill in any emotional, sexual, or intellectual gaps.
• Mutual complicity of trust between 3 parties. It can sometimes feel scary to open up your relationship, and that’s totally understandable! The nice thing about throuples (which can be more challenging in an open relationship or simply being poly), is that you have a triadic container in which to build mutual trust between three supportive primary partners. Everyone is an equal primary partner. While jealousy concerns can still be present in any relationship, it’s often less so when you are open and communicative with your partner(s).
• More emotional support for everyone. Humans need emotional support, as well as the  support of community. In a throuple, you have two pillars you can lean on rather than just one. Additionally, if you’re experiencing challenges with one of your partners, having a third person who can act as a mediator can be invaluable.
• Give more and receive more. Having two partners means there is more love to go around. If you’re someone with a big heart who has a lot to give, then two partners could be a perfect match for you. By the same token, if you’re someone who has plenty of room to receive more affection (and who doesn’t?), then a throuple may be an extremely positive and nurturing experience for you.

Don’t Forget, The Cons

• Throuples are not a solution to problems in a couple. While you may think that adding a third person could fulfill a lot of your needs, it won’t automatically solve existing issues between two people. More often than not, it may exacerbate the existing conflict, making the situation more intense and uncomfortable for everyone involved. On the other hand, it may also help shed some light onto any existing problems so they can be discussed and  processed.
• Jealousy. I imagine you suspected this would come up. Jealousy can be a real concern when you’re in any kind of polyamorous relationship. Throuples are no exception. If you or your partner struggle with deep feelings of jealousy, you may want to reconsider adding that third partner. While this is something that many throuples learn to manage and overcome, not knowing how to handle jealousy effectively can end up creating tension between the different pairings. Honoring clear boundaries & agreements along with ongoing kind & loving communication are essential to three-way success. 

Tips on How to Manage Jealousy:

• • Explore the underlying feelings beneath the jealousy (i.e :  fear of abandonment, feeling “not enough,” rejection, loneliness).
  • Take time to process and understand the root of them.
  • Remember that jealousy can show up in any relationship including conventional monogamous relationships as well.
  • Talking about your feelings is important for any type of relationship, and becomes even more so when there are three people involved.
• Teaming-Up. If there is conflict within the relationship and good communication skills haven’t been established, this could lead to one person feeling ganged up on. Again, the best way to address this is to be totally open and honest about boundaries early on and to check in regularly about how things are working for all involved.
• Lack of support or understanding from those around you. It can be difficult to explain your romantic situation to family and friends who are more familiar with conventional “normal”  couple type relationships. As with anything non-traditional, there is the possibility of shame or misunderstanding. Timing is important here. Giving folks space to adjust to the news is important. Don’t expect them to understand straight away. They may need time to come around. When speaking to others, focus on the positive aspects of your arrangement, such as how much happiness, love, care and support is present between you. These are binary relationship cornerstones that other people can relate to. The only difference is, there’s three of you!

Other Things to Consider

How should you bring up starting a throuple with your partner?

• Pick a good time to chat when you’re both feeling relaxed and emotionally available. 
• Connect and create a safe space by asking your partner if they would be open to hearing about something that you’ve been curious about. 
• Ask your partner if they know what a throuple is, and share what you know. 
• Give examples and answer their questions before you present the idea of adding another person to your relationship. This has to be something that you’re both open to with and willing to try because it takes a lot of effort to navigate this transition in a healthy and balanced way. 
• Starting things off with open and honest conversation is vital. You also should be prepared in the event that your partner is not open to the idea. Either option could alter the dynamic of your relationship, so you need to be open to that possibility.

How should you approach asking a new partner to join a throuple?

This depends on if you are approaching someone who is familiar with a trifecta relationship. If they are, it will be easier to invite them into one. If not, you’ll need to explain: 

•  What’s a throuple?
•  How you feel about this person and the idea of being in a relationship with them.
• What kind of relationship you want to create.
• Give them lots of time to ask questions and to process the invitation.

You can also search for people who are already interested in this type of polyamory on apps or websites. However your method, make sure that both you and your partner are a part of the process. You may even opt to attend poly events together or meet other throuples via meetups or online groups.

How do I know which one is right for me – Throuple vs. Open Marriage/Relationship vs. Swinging?

If you’re exploring the idea of non-monogamy, you’ll need to consider your goals:

• Do you want to expand your relationship romantically and emotionally; Or 
• Do you you mainly want to explore having sex outside your relationship?

As we discussed, a throuple is a relationship with three people equally invested in sharing a life together. An open marriage is a relationship where partners can have sex with other people (or be in a seperate relationship with another partner). Swinging involves switching sexual partners with another couple. The latter two arrangements can be solely physical, while a throuple is truly a committed relationship.

At the end of the day, only you can decide what is best for your life.  Cultural convention and jealousy aside, dial into what makes you feel fulfilled and happy. A throuple arrangement is just one way to potentially manifest that. I hope this article has given you a thing or two (or three!) to consider as you evaluate what type of relationship is right for you. If you would like some guidance on beginning or navigating a throuple, or have other sexually related questions  please feel free to reach out!