Written in memory of the legendary Betty Dodson, the “grandmother of female masturbation.” No one taught more women how to embrace self-pleasure than Betty. She will be dearly missed.
There are many misconceptions about masturbation and self-pleasure coupled with public embarrassment and feelings of shame. Books and movies often espouse a negative perception of masturbation, and those of us that “indulge” are often judged as shameful or worse sexually immoral. When we experience shame or embarrassment we often hide our self-pleasure habits, or try to convince ourselves that we “should” give it up. Because of these outdated misconceptions and the burden of secrecy, our culture lacks sex positive education about the benefits of pleasurable self-touch for both your sexual health and the health of your relationship. It’s time to rewrite a scientifically accurate sex positive script about masturbation and self-pleasure!
As we head into this holiday season, let’s practice gratitude and love, which begins with showing gratitude and love to ourselves. Self-pleasure is a potent life affirming practice of self-love.
How do we start this process?
Firstly, accept that self-pleasure is neither negative nor shameful. In fact, it is an extremely positive and healthy practice to be enjoyed on a regular basis! Self-pleasure, including masturbation, is an act of self-care that enhances your sexual health. Self-pleasure is about you and only you. It’s precious me time! It’s a sexual meditation which allows you to focus on yourself and what feels good to you without the responsibility of attending to your partner’s needs. In this way, masturbation allows you to explore your own sexual needs, fantasies, and desires ultimately expanding your capacity for pleasure. If you’ve recently added a new toy to your collection, self-pleasure allows you the opportunity to explore and experience it with as much time as you need. This kind of solo exploration offers you the opportunity to really understand your preferences before introducing them to your partner.
Not only does masturbation allow you to play and explore on your own terms, but it also activates feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin, which only accentuate your experience. Between the hormones and your body’s natural response to giving yourself pleasure, masturbation allows you to foster a more positive body image. You’ll feel more attractive not only to your partner but more importantly to yourself, boosting your sexual confidence and self-esteem. Furthermore, masturbation reduces stress and elevates your mood, which is something we all need in 2020, especially now and in the upcoming holiday season.
Creating a regular self-pleasure practice allows you to check in regularly with yourself and your body. Our bodies change over time as we age, so spending intentional quality time with your own body keeps you connected to your sensual needs and to what currently feels good to you. Think about it this way: it’s so much easier to tell your partner what you love and how they can best pleasure you if you’ve already done your homework and know how to love yourself first, right? Nobody knows your body quite like you do and no one can feel what you feel. When you spend time practicing self-pleasure and perfecting the art of turning yourself on, it makes it much easier for you to tell your partner how they can learn to do the same for you.
As an added bonus, masturbation can be sexy foreplay! However you choose to work this into the bedroom, knowing what you like and what your partner likes takes you out of your head and into the experience.
Should masturbation stop after getting into a relationship?
Don’t buy into the myth that masturbation is only for singles without a partner; masturbation is for everyone!…at any age!
Self-pleasure is much more than just trying to achieve an orgasm. It’s a positive practice that promotes a better self-image and gives you the ability to explore your own likes and desires in a way that promotes sexual health. If you don’t know what you like, it’s going to be a lot more challenging for your partner to find it for you, and vice-versa! It is your right to experience positive nurturing self-care, and you deserve to experience the unique pleasure of “me time.” You are an autonomous independent sexual being and you don’t have to rely or depend on your partner for all your sexual satisfaction.
When you regularly check in with your body and encourage your partner to do the same, you gain the ability to come back to the bedroom with more tools to ensure that the experience is satisfying and pleasurable for both you and your partner.
How do I have the “masturbation conversation” with my partner?
Maintaining a Self-Pleasure practice while in a relationship is important, but your partner may not always agree! Your partner may feel unsure about self-pleasuring while in a committed relationship or perhaps even interpret your solo play as a form of betrayal. This mindset is hardly uncommon and yet ultimately stems from the mistaken belief that partnered sex is what couples ” should” do and masturbation is what you resort to if you’re a lonely single. Remain curious and invite your partner to have an honest conversation with you in which they can share and reflect on where these beliefs around self-pleasure and masturbation originated. Non-judgmental questions like these can help:
Where did they learn or hear that?
What if those beliefs were not true?
Are they open to considering other perspectives?
If they are willing to communicate openly and honestly, it’s your opportunity to share what you’ve learned and discovered about self-pleasure, including the unique benefits that sex positive self-pleasure has to offer.
Masturbation can be a stress reliever, a sleep inducer, and positively cultivates your connection to your erotic self, all of which can lead to more and better sex! What couple doesn’t want that?
The key to any relationship, including a sexual relationship, is communication and communicating successfully about pleasure means having an extensive understanding of your own needs first. A positive self-pleasure practice allows both partners to figure out what feels good and what doesn’t.
Masturbation is also invaluable for couples who have different needs for sexual frequency (which is many if not most couples). Masturbation and positive self-pleasure practices take the pressure off the unrealistic expectations that couples “should” have sex every time one of them feels horny. Being open and communicative about your needs also opens the door to participating in your partner’s pleasure even if you aren’t in the mood to receive anything in return. Whatever your sexual needs are, understanding your pleasure and your partner’s pleasure increases bedroom chemistry, and in turn, positively impact your relationship as a whole.
Toys can be a great addition to your “ME time” , here are some of my best toys for your solo pleasure practice….if you have any special toys of your own, let me know your favorites!
Best Toys for Solo Time for Men
Fleshlight Vulva Sleeve
A tried-and-true popular favorite, this personal toy for men is designed to look and feel like the real thing. It’s discrete, easy to clean, and great for alone time or foreplay!
Tenga Spinners V2 Masturbation Sleeve
This is another great toy for personal or partner play, and is designed to give you an incredible spinning sensation.
Billy™ – Prostate Massager, Great for Beginners
Whether you’re new to prostate play or experienced, this prostate massager looks more like an art piece than a toy. This beautifully designed toy from LELO is great for beginners and comes with six satisfying pulse settings.
Aneros Eupho Syn Trident
This toy is equally as great for personal play as it is for partner play, and is designed to work extremely well during intercourse. This toy is responsive to your body movements, so it’s comfortable to use and guaranteed to add a new level of fun to your bedroom activities.
Best Toys for Solo Time for Women
Womanizer Clitoral Stimulator
This toy is discreet and fits in the palm of your hand. A waterproof wonder, it also offers a unique suction sensation that’ll be sure to give you a waves of pleasure.
INA Wave™ – Gspot and clitoral Stimulator
Another gorgeous toy from the people at LELO, this product offers both clitoral and g-spot stimulation with a state-of-the-art design and ground-breaking massage movement that will make you forget you’re using a toy.
Mystic Wand Vibrator
Like the extremely popular Magic Wand, but much smaller. This toy is discrete and light-weight, but still packs as much sensation as you’ve come to love from other top-of-the-line vibrators.
Magic Wand Plus
Speaking of the Magic Wand, their newly-designed Plus version is leagues better than the original design and offers four sensational intensity levels. Great for private play, but just as good when you let your partner have a turn.
Je Joue Ooh Mini Pebble Vibrator
A vibrator so unassuming it doesn’t even look like a vibrator. This palm-sized toy is great on all areas of the body, and is wonderful for first-time toy buyers.
I hope you’ll enjoy this list and some much needed me-time this season! Self-pleasure is important at any time of the year and especially now and during the holidays. Thanksgiving is a time for gratitude. 2020 has been a hard year all around, so give yourself the time and space this Thanksgiving season to show YOURSELF some gratitude. Your body, and your partner (if you have one), will thank you for it!
If you enjoyed this article and would like to learn more about female self-pleasure and the legendary Betty Dodson, head on over too Sex Smart Films to check out her 2008 documentary (located on the homepage).
And lastly, if you need help or support navigating the world of self-pleasure, finding the perfect toy or have sexual questions or concerns, please reach out, I’m here to help!