If you’ve ever been disappointed by an erection not lasting as long as you would like, you’re in good company. While it’s common for many of us to jump straight to labeling it as a dysfunction, please be reassured that this is natural. Your penis is likely functioning just as it ought to; so rather than try to change what our penises do, it’s time we re-adjust our expectations instead. Our expectations (and yes, it’s not just men’s expectations) around the dependability of penile functioning is a vulnerable topic for many men which can lead to misunderstandings, avoiding honest conversations, and a spiral of shame. Collectively we can transform these unrealistic ideals, placed on us by our culture, and heal this toxic shame. Let’s replace these outdated beliefs with accurate science-based information that will empower us to have a healthier understanding of sexual functioning. We’re all here to learn and to enhance the pleasure we experience from our sexual connections, so let’s get down to the nitty gritty of having healthier expectations of the penises in our lives!
Penile Variability
On-demand erections are not realistic. What we see and hear about in media, especially in pornography, is a far from accurate portrayal of what penises naturally do. As Chris Donaghue stated in this article on the same subject, “a penis is not a dildo.” So let’s not treat it like one! Sure, we can create desired erections with Viagra, but penile variability is the norm. No matter how turned on you are, it is perfectly healthy for erections to ebb and flow and to wane during the course of sexual play. In the scientific community, we know that the duration and tumescence of an erection is highly variable from one person to another and depends on a number of factors. That being said, if you are feeling the desire to try a medical approach, that’s ok too. Many people try meds to increase circulation and if that’s your preference, that’s available. Just keep in mind that you don’t have to have an erection every time to have great sex.
Great sex is more than simply PIV (penis-in-vagina). And a penis doesn’t always have to be fully erect for an orgasm to be achieved. How you communicate your needs and the conversation you have with your partner about your body will help you build connection and intimacy.
Communication
Loving, honest communication can be a great healer. How we talk with our partners and ourselves about the sex we are having, or want to have, is going to set the tone for safety and our ability to feel pleasure. You can learn to communicate comfortably with your partner about penile variability without apologizing and by reassuring them that your erection is not dependent on their looks, sexyness or attractiveness. If an erection ends and you want to continue to be sexually intimate, you can talk about what else is on your sexual menu. Avoid assumptions and ask questions when an erection is not available. For example, “I still want to have sex, do you? would you like me to use my mouth, hands, toys instead?” You might feel shy or vulnerable when you start to have these kinds of conversations, and that is OK. Take a breath, ground yourself and remember that vulnerability and authenticity enhance safety and intimacy.
Encourage Body and Sex Positivity
“Body positivity” is a term that is thrown around a lot these days, especially in female-bodied circles. While unrealistic ideals placed on female bodies are rife, male-bodies get their fair share as well. The belief that you should have an “ideal” shape, size, and penis function is body negativity. As a society, we must learn to grow beyond these harmful limiting beliefs and become inclusive of all bodies whatever their shape, size or ability. There is tremendous freedom to be found in accepting our bodies the way they are.
Stay Focused on Pleasure
The focus of sex makes all the difference. We often get caught up in sexual performance which can be nerve-wracking. When this happens, the pressure alone is enough to disconnect us from the purpose of sex (fun, connection and pleasure) and affect an erection. Have open and honest conversations with your partner (and yourself) about what feels good to you. When you’re feeling disconnected, it’s helpful to get in touch with yourself and your own body, noticing what feels good to you and taking away the pressure to perform. If your erection goes away and you still feel good, remember that you don’t always have to be hard to have an orgasm and you can feel pleasure with and without an orgasm.
Sex is More Than Penetration
As discussed in my recent blog on foreplay, there’s a lot more to sex than penetration. When you don’t have an erection, get creative! Fantasy, fingers, tongues, and toys are all a part of sex, so there’s no reason that sex needs to end when an erection ends. Expand your repertoire and If you would like some recommendations of great toys for solo and partnered play, you can find a nice selection of highly rated ones here. That being said, discovering more about your body, likes, preferences, boundaries, and arousal cycles is something that can be experienced without pressure when you’re enjoying solo play.
Get to Know Yourself
Rather than trying to force an erection, try listening to your body. Learn what you respond to with masturbation and zero-pressure play with a partner. Check out this previous blog about edging, in which I talk about arousal cycles and how to get to discover yours. Explore yourself and what you enjoy and encourage your partner to do the same. The more you know yourself, the better you can communicate about it!
Remember, your penis is not a toy meant to perform, it is normal for erections to ebb and flow. You deserve a fulfilling sex life that is not dependent on your performance, but rather centered in the joy of human connection and the pleasure we can experience in our own bodies. Interested in how sex and intimacy coaching could support you? Schedule a free consultation with me!