Does toe-curling pleasure come to mind when you see the words “hand sex”? You might picture yourself as a teenager fumbling awkwardly and not “going all the way” yet. Or maybe you imagine yourself getting intimate with a new lover. Because of media portrayals of what sex “ought to look like” we can sometimes tend to think we’ve “graduated” from hand sex; when in fact there are so many delectable ways to have sex using our hands…
Touching and discovering ourselves with our hands is often the way that sexual curiosity and pleasure begins. It makes sense that we find exploring our bodies and our partners bodies with our hands so satisfying. Our hands are powerful tools and can be used with precision, emotion, and care. We become intimately familiar with ourselves and with our partners through exploring with our hands.
Here are some tips to get you started (or get you back into) using your wonderful hands on each other:
- Lubrication -Use a nice lube that you and your partner both like. Penises and vulvas will appreciate it! Hands can sometimes be too rough to start touching and rubbing dryly. Everybody has their own preferences and what feels good to some might not to others, but generally, the more lube, the better. Pump some into your hand before you start.
- Communicate – While it might feel like you already know how to “give a handjob,” it is always important to communicate so you can figure out what feels good to you or your partner. Remember that consent is sexy and that asking “can I slip my fingers inside you?” (for example) just adds to the sexual tension. Clear communication and curiosity about each other’s preferences is key to having a pleasurable and satisfying experience.
- Notice your partner’s body, how it’s moving and responding to your touch, and don’t be afraid to “notice out loud.” Good sex starts with good communication.
- Feel it out – don’t assume you know what your partner wants just because you’ve known them for a long time or that’s what they liked last week.
Likes can change. Desire can change. And bodies can change. How we want to be touched and pleasured is seldom fixed forever. There are lots of articles on the internet, along with videos, to show you how to give “the perfect handjob”– but remember that each person is different and sex is definitely not one-size-fits-all!. To help you out, here’s some basic info to help you understand general anatomy and what might feel good!
For Penises
Squirt some lube in your hand and start slow. Give your partner time to respond to what you’re doing.
- The head – this is where the most nerve endings are located which means direct stimulation can feel really good or too intense depending on the person. Under the head of the penis is the frenulum, which can also be incredibly sensitive. Explore this whole area with different strokes and pressures to see what your partner likes most.
- The shaft – from the base of the penis to the tip, generally stroking up and down the shaft feels great. Try putting one hand around the base, almost like a stabilizer, while the other steadily moves up and down. Try this at different speeds and pressures and check in to find out what they like the most.
- The testicles – it can feel amazing for your partner to have their testicles cupped and held during a handjob or gently caressed.
- The perineum/prostate – stimulating the area between the testicles and the anus can indirectly stimulate the prostate and increase pleasure and even change the feeling of the orgasm. (See my recent blog about prostate pleasure here.)
For Vulvas
While vulvas often become a lot wetter than penises, lube is still essential to making this exceptionally pleasurable. Lube up your fingers and start slow.
- The clitoris – it’s most sensitive part is the glans which is at the very front of the vulva, the point where the labia meet. It has a hood and generally looks different on everyone. The glans, like the head of the penis has the most nerve endings, so direct contact with it can intensify pleasure, or just be way too intense for some folks.Rubbing gently back and forth or in circular motions can feel amazing. Follow what your partner tells you feels best, direct or indirect, fast or slow, etc.
- The labia – the nerves of the clitoris spread out like legs into the area around the vaginal canal. Stimulate the inner and outer labia by cupping the vulva, move your fingers to put different pressure on them, and even try rolling the lips between your fingers (again, don’t forget the lube here). Cupping the vulva can help bring more blood flow to the region and make your partner even more physically aroused.
- The vaginal canal/the g spot – you don’t have to penetrate to have great hand sex with a vulva, but if the mood is right, try stimulating the g spot. Clitoral and g spot stimulation together can create a dynamic duo and sometimes bring your partner to orgasm. The g spot is not too far inside the vaginal canal (maybe two or three inches) on the front wall behind the pubic bone. Try rubbing it with a “come hither” motion. And as always, check in with your partner.
If your sex life is stuck in a rut and you find yourself defaulting to the same thing every time you and your partner fall into bed, take some time to reacquaint yourselves. Use your hands on each other and get curious. Remember that sex is meant to be fun, playful, delicious, interesting, and pleasurable. Please feel free to reach out to me if you are seeking support on your sexual journey.