We have all been bearing the weight of shrinking our social circles this past year and minimized our physical contact in unprecedented ways to prevent the spread of Covid-19. To say the past year has been hard on those of us looking for love and sexual connections, is a major understatement. And perhaps, even more acutely, those who practice ethical non monogamy (ENM) have taken a hard hit. (If you’re curious or unfamiliar with this term, hop over to this blog for more info). The freedom to move safely from one partner to another was shaken in 2020, and it has required both patience and creativity for poly folks to manage their current relationships or try to create new ones. If you are currently in a non monogamous relationship, curious about exploring or simply have questions, here are some insights into what the current climate is like.
Confronting the Hard Stuff
People in open relationships have all dealt with the pandemic in their own way. Some decided to be temporarily monogamous, others gave socially-distanced dating a try with partners they aren’t living with. One of the hard issues that cropped up is the assumption that “nesting partners” (partners who live together) will be able to maintain their relationship, while any others would take a lesser priority on some level. The stay-at-home orders intrinsically create an uncomfortable power dynamic and, though these issues are largely and understandably unavoidable, they can cause feelings of jealousy, loneliness, and loss. Be courageous and share your fears and worries with each other. Share how you need to receive love under these new constraints and invite creativity into your dating life.
Make Clear Boundaries
Communication is the keystone of successful ENM relationships, and it consists of a lot more than simply talking about feelings. Discussing boundaries, comfort levels, health, and safety is all crucial for true consent to be achieved when multiple partners are involved. Each partner needs to feel seen and heard, and each deserves their feelings and concerns to be respected. This helps in create harmony as well as physical and emotional safety.
Risk Reduction
Minimizing risk in a pandemic is strikingly similar to practicing safe sex. When dating a new person, asking the important questions is vital to creating a safe dating scenario. Questions like “when were you last tested for STIs” are run of the mill in ENM, and nowadays they run right alongside “have you been exposed to Covid19 in the last two weeks?” Here are some important questions to think and talk through with your current and potential partners.
- How many people are you exposed to?
- Is anyone in your circle high risk?
- When were you tested last?
- Have you had covid19?
- Have you been vaccinated?
- What level of risk are you comfortable with?
Know what you’re comfortable with and be prepared to ask specific questions about the safety measures people are taking in their lives. From their level of possible Covid exposure at work to the number of people they encounter daily.The more honest you are, the more your comfort level will increase. Know what you’re accepting into your social circle and make sure everybody else is on board too.
Taking Turns
Some have opted for making designated times to be with different partners, and distancing from the others during that time. This can feel complicated, but could be an important choice in a non-hierarchical polycule (one in which all relationships are equally prioritized). Be sure to quarantine and get tested between partners. When you take time away from your partner so that they can explore a relationship with someone else, jealousy can sometimes be a natural reaction. Acknowledging that working through jealousy is a skill that can be honed helps you address it with understanding, care and compassion. There are helpful tools available like The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola, which you can find on my resources page.
Connect Online
When it comes to looking for a new love interest, it’s unlikely that you’ll meet someone in the wild if you’re barely leaving your house. Using an online dating app has become the current norm, especially in a pandemic and dating apps are responding to this with updates that encourage digital dating, like video chatting. People are spending more time writing to each other before committing to a physical date. Apps like Bumble and Tinder promote Covid-19 safety and allow you to display your safety preferences right up front. Folks are even putting their vaccination status in their bios!
While navigating the pandemic, no matter how many partners you have, finding grounding in yourself will help. That old adage, “Wherever you go, there you are,” feels more true than ever as we isolate to protect each other and ourselves.Vaccine availability is expanding and we can see a light at the end of the tunnel. This pandemic is finally beginning to wind down, so celebrate the relationships you’ve maintained and gained through these challenging times!
Sex Therapy and Sex and Relationship coaching can provide a variety of tools and personalized support so please reach out for help when you need it!