Sex and marriage go together… Right?
Last week, I wrote about the all-too-common occurrence of sexless marriage, defined as a marriage (or relationship) in which there are low to no levels of sexual intimacy, generally less than ten times a year. While sure, there are some well-matched people who are genuinely fine with infrequent sex in their partnerships, for many, a sexless marriage is not something they ever expected to find themselves in. For them, it’s a cause for concern and can place a great deal of stress on the relationship. Folks may experience feelings of loneliness, shame, fear, criticism and distancing with their partner.
This week we’ll talk about ways in which to address and work with some of the most common things that can bring about a sexless marriage. This is one of the most common reason why couples seek out my services. If your marriage is sexless, you are not alone.
We need to talk.
Communication issues are one of the biggest reasons a marriage can become sexless. In the beginning of a relationship (the “honeymoon phase”), we don’t necessarily communicate about sex, we just do it! We’re generally so happy to be with one another, and the exploration is thrilling and new. We’re riding high on the influence of all those “new relationship energy” “feel-good” hormones and often put each other on a sexual pedestal. We imagine that sex will always happen as spontaneously and organically as it does during this romantic phase. However, once we start getting really comfortable in the relationship and the hormones wear off, we often fall into a formulaic pattern of sex that can lead to boredom and may find ourselves at an impasse. If we don’t already have good communication skills in place and don’t know how to ask for what we really desire, sexual disconnection begins to happen. We may hope or expect that our sex life will just “work itself out”, but if we can’t communicate about sex, it probably won’t. If we can’t our express feelings, we will suffer in silence and start emotionally checking out of the relationship, which can have a profound effect on what happens (or doesn’t) in the bedroom. If we don’t tell our partner that we’re wanting to try something different, or we’re feeling a little embarrassed about those extra few pounds,or we need more time to connect with our desire, we won’t be able to move through those feelings in a way that encourages intimacy and connection.
What happened to my libido?
There are a multitude of reasons for a decreased libido. Often one (or both) partners aren’t really getting what they need from the physical aspect of the relationship and they aren’t talking about it. When couples come to see me worrying about “mismatched libido” (one partner having a more active libido than the other) we inevitably have to address communication skills as well as how to reconnect with desire. Low self-esteem can decrease libido, and often minor lifestyle changes and the freedom brought about by learning deeper levels of communication can help address this. Menopause, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, disability and other health-related concerns can also lower libido – but for those who want to maintain or re-energize the sex in their marriage, these aren’t insurmountable challenges. We can all learn new ways to enjoy our bodies with pleasure and new tools for working with challenges, and if sometimes, we need a little help – and that’s okay!
We’re stuck. Can you help?
Getting out of a sexual rut requires a change in perspective and a willingness to consider that there are a lot of different ways to enjoy intimacy with your partner. It’s not helpful to compare the way we share intimacy together with the formulaic patterns we see in porn or romance movies. Instead of thinking of sex as a series of scripted steps that lead to orgasm, learn to enjoy what’s happening in the present and be flexible. It’s important to stop defining “sex” as penetration and orgasm and reconsider all the many ways in which we can enjoy connection, touch and pleasure with or without penetration or orgasms..This way, if things don’t go exactly according to the scripted plan, we can adjust and change directions. We can de-escalate to less intense activities and enjoy what’s possible in the moment (this is especially important if you’re working with challenges related to erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation). I invite you to savor the journey of connection and pleasure and see if you can start letting go of your attachment to having specific goals.
If you’re in a sexless marriage right now, you’re not alone, and I am here to help you design an intimate, loving, and exciting physical connection that fully meets both of your needs. With the right tools you can expand your sexual repertoire, experience more intimate pleasure, deepen your sexual connection and enjoy the best sex you’ve ever had.