What are sexual agreements, anyway?
Sexual conversation and agreements with our partners about sex, invite a healthy discussion about what we’re open to… and not open to, and the parameters of the relationship itself. These conversations go beyond agreements and boundaries during a sexual encounter and also address topics like how we behave with one another in public and how we behave with other people.
Many people expect that these things just to happen or they think that if everything’s working well in the relationship, these things will just flow naturally – but unfortunately, that’s not always true. We might have different beliefs and expectations about what we want in terms of our sexual relationship(s) or how we interact with each other.
Why are these agreements important?
The importance of defining what our agreements are with each other make us feel safe and allows us to build a secure attachment container with one other – whether we’re in a monogamous or an open relationship. Obviously, the agreements in open relationship will look very different to ones in a monogamous relationship, but the importance of making these agreements, regardless of what kind of relationship you choose to be in, cannot be overstated. These agreements don’t necessarily happen organically and we might find that we have different expectations if we don’t lay out these agreements together. Making the conscious effort to do this paves the way for healthier and more intimate relating, and can help alleviate more difficult challenges later on in the relationship.
What kind of agreements do we need to make?
Agreements around our sexual relationships with each other help keep the relationship container safe and secure. Do we check in with each other about when to have sex? How often do we want sex from each other? Do we schedule sex if we’re leading really busy lives? What if a partner is going to be gone for a really long time? What are our agreements for being affectionate, tactile or sexual with other people? What if our sexual preferences differ? An agreement for couples with different sexual interests, for example, might be that we take turns with who gets to decide what the sexual flavor is.
Other agreements may center on how will we deal with challenges brought up by sexual dysfunctions or menopause, or the need to make other adjustments if one of us has limited mobility or is in physical discomfort or pain…and what about sex when only one of us is in the mood? Our sexual / sensual beliefs and behaviors are often tied to ideas about “being a good partner or spouse”, or feeling that “this is what a good spouse would do” – but this rarely works for everyone – and reinforces why having these conversations, setting healthy sexual boundaries and making these sexual agreements helps create a safe, conscious and connected space for sexual exploration.
These agreements need to be discussed whether one is in a monogamous or an open relationship. For those in open relationships, it’s also important to establish if there is a primary relationship and to have a clear and honest conversation with everyone involved inside and outside the primary relationship.
What if we’re not starting from square one?
One of the many reasons challenges arise in relationship is that sexual boundaries (read more about that here) and sexual agreements have not been discussed, but bringing this healthy and necessary practice into your relationship is possible (learning new communication skills are one of the many reasons people seek help from a sex coach. Understandably, this is not easy territory for a lot people. Social and cultural expectations, religious conditioning, lack of experience, mistaken beliefs and stigma as well as other factors mean that these kinds of conversations aren’t always the easiest for people to begin, but they can and do make all the difference in the harmony, health and longevity of relationships. Opening these doors to truthfulness and conversation are what builds real intimacy. Need some help? I’m here for you.