What is power play?
Power play actually exists in every relationship, whether we’re conscious of it or not. Power play here, however, refers to the popular BDSM practice of dominance and submission. Consent is the key aspect of conscious power play and requires advanced levels of communication as well as trust and safety.
How to get started with power play:
Power play doesn’t mean you immediately need to go out and stock up on fetish gear (unless you want to!) but if you’ve never played in this way before you will want to take a good look at your relationship structure before introducing it in your sexual play. Do you have good communication skills, do you feel safe to explore in this way with your partner, do you trust them to honor your desires and limits? Are you willing and interested in experiencing this genre of sexual play? Are you capable of asking for what you want and need?
Creating a scene with your partner (with boundaries):
If so, you’re ready to start talking about power play. It’s important to talk with your partner first and share your fantasies so you can create (negotiate) scenarios that are fun, consensual and gratifying for both of you (and fun is such a big part of it!).
Discuss which power role you find most appealing. Some folks like to “switch” meaning they enjoy both dominant and submissive play while others prefer being dominant and in control or being submissive and surrendered. Being submissive does not mean you have to do anything you don’t want to do nor does it mean you have to follow through with the content of pre-play negotiation talk. Yes, that’s right, you can always change your mind! This is play! You’ll also want to set some boundaries together, including a “safe word” you can use if you’ve reached your limit or changed your mind about what you’d like to experience. These are important guidelines for safe and consensual play even if one or both of you already has some experience.
Some of the easiest ways to begin introducing power play to a relationship are through role play scenarios, getting into edging, or spanking – and if that’s a turn on for you, take it from there. You may want to check out some of the books I recommend on this subject, especially Tristan Taormino and Barbara Carellas’ book The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge.
Power Play for Healing:
Power play can be very healing. For some of the folks who have experienced sexual abuse or non-consensual sex and find themselves attracted to sexual power play, it can help deepen the process of reclaiming one’s sexuality and being at choice about the sexual activities one chooses to engage in. Again, I cannot stress enough how absolutely imperative it is that this take place consensually. There must be trust and and ability to communicate well.
Whether you’re looking for ways to overcome challenges to experiencing pleasure, you want to go further into the realms of consent, trust and pleasure, or you simply want to add another level of fun and exploration to an already-healthy relationship, seeking the advice of a sexual trauma-informed, kink-friendly professional can be very helpful.