Firstly, I would like to wish you a Healthy, Happy & Thriving NEW YEAR 2021!
The past decade saw the rapid rise of BDSM in mainstream conversation. The original text, E. L. James’s 2011 Fifty Shades of Grey, tells the story of Anastasia Steele and billionaire Christian Grey. The book largely centers around their sexual relationship as Grey introduces Anastasia to the world of power-play through BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominance/submission). For Steele, and for much of the rest of the mainstream world, the novel Fifty Shades of Grey was an initial introduction into BDSM. It then became even more of a household name when the film version was released in 2015.
Though it may have been thrilling to see BDSM on the big screen, there are a number of things that the franchise failed to portray accurately. Because of this the trilogy has received quite a bit of criticism in recent years for misrepresenting the nature of BDSM.
In truth, the term “BDSM” encompasses an endless variety of different activities, preferences, fetishes and behaviors. A relationship with your BDSM partner can include some, all, or variations of those intimate moments. The only sure thing in BDSM?
No two couples treat it the same way.
Here are a few things to keep in mind if you’re new to exploring the world of BDSM or looking to gain more insight into your existing kinky relationship:
Communication is Key
One thing to keep in mind is that Fifty Shades is just a story. It’s fiction!
It’s not real.
In the same way that romance novels are stories or that porn is a depiction of sex, these situations are rooted in fantasy not reality. Fifty Shades is the author’s portrayal for the purpose of writing a titillating novel for her readers. It does not represent an authentic, consensual, conscious BDSM relationship.
The key ingredients to a positive BDSM relationship missing from Fifty Shades are:
- Genuine informed Consent
- Clear Communication
- Negotiated agreements and limits
- Aftercare
The key missing ingredient from fictional books or movies is: informed consent.
But, as long as the books and movies are fantasy based BDSM relationships, they do their job by being kinky and entertaining. It’s not really required that they be accurate nor true. However, In real life BDSM power-play relationships, without this all important key ingredient ( informed consent), the relationship dynamic now becomes non consensual coercion or abusive.
Books and films are often missing clear communication, healthy boundaries and consensually negotiated agreements. As Emma Green mentions in her article for The Atlantic: “Fifty Shades eroticizes sexual violence, but without any of the emotional maturity and communication required to make it safe.”
Communication is pivotal in a BDSM relationship. It’s the bedrock of Safe, Sane and Consensual play (SSC) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). In fact, the advanced level of communication skills in the kink community is often regarded as the “graduate school of communication.” BDSM play partners create scenes in which they negotiate their agreements, preferences, boundaries, hard and soft limits, safe words, and aftercare. These negotiations establish the container within which to play safely, sanely and consensually.
Vanilla Isn’t Bad! (or Out of the Picture)
The Fifty Shades series goes to great lengths to talk negatively about “vanilla” relationships. They are often referred to as “normal,” “boring,” or “kink-less.”
Vanilla sex is neither better nor boring, it’s just another flavor of sex and if that’s your flavor, enjoy it!
With that being said, in “vanilla” sexual relationships, there is often very little conversation at all about each partner’s needs or desires. Instead there is often an assumption that things will unfold naturally and that partners will instinctively know how to please one another. “Regular” couples could possibly learn a thing or two from the BDSM community about communication to expand their conversation skills around sexual preferences and interests.
It may come as a surprise that BDSM play can include all sorts of activities, including vanilla sex and more common mainstream activities. Sex need not be linear, whether it’s kinky, vanilla, romantic, sensual or highly sexual and erotic. Make it your own flavor by mixing it up however you want to!
Importance of Aftercare
Next to consent and communication, aftercare is one of the most important pieces of a BDSM relationship. The act of aftercare is taking physical and emotional care of your submissive partner at the end of a scene (it may also include taking care of the dominant partner, but that’s for another blog!). Aftercare is important because it helps your partner transition from being in an altered state (or “sub-space”) to integrating and processing their experience once the scene has ended.
After can include, but is not limited to:
- Cuddling
- Holding
- Pillow-talk
- Sensual touch
- Laughter
- Taking care of your partner’s physical and/or emotional well-being
- Discussing things that went well/giving positive reinforcement
- Hydration or food
- Massage.
- Rest
Engaging in aftercare shows your partner that you care about their well being and gently reminds them that you love and value them.
In the Fifty Shades books and films, Grey’s character is portrayed as so “dominant” that he withholds any amount of affection for Steele, even when she desperately needs it. Grey is emotionally distant to the point of being cruel and abusive. This is not common in loving caring BDSM relationships between emotionally mature adults.
What About the Emotional Connection?
In addition, the emotional relationship depends on the couple. It is often similar to those in a non-BDSM relationship. A BDSM partnership requires advanced levels of communication, trust, and safety, which can lead to a deep emotional connection. If a sense of stability, maturity and connection is lacking, this is where BDSM can become dangerous and border on abuse. And on that note…this is also very much the case in mainstream regular relationships where a lack of safety and emotional maturity can lead to dysfunction and abuse between partners.
Is BDSM Abusive?
Let’s be clear:
BDSM is not abuse. It is consensual power play.
All relationships have the potential to be abusive, but not because they are BDSM. In fact, vanilla relationships are often more likely to be harmful in this way than BDSM relationships. When a BDSM relationship follows the guidelines below, it is not considered abusive:
- SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) and
- RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
I am certainly not implying that vanilla relationships are commonly abusive. Vanilla relationships are safe and pleasurable as long as they too include communication, consent, and healthy boundaries. Rather, statistically, there is no evidence to support the idea that BDSM relationships are more abusive than “regular” relationships.
Lastly, another issue with Fifty Shades is that it perpetuates the stigmatizing idea that folks into BDSM play are emotionally damaged..ie that they are miscreants who are drawn to dominance or submission because of past negative sexual experiences or abuse. There is no evidence to support this belief and it’s exactly this type of biased generalization that has led to a negative view of BDSM since the films were released.
Fortunately, there are lots of great options that portray BDSM more accurately. Here are some of my favorites:
Favorite BDSM Films to Watch Instead
- The Secretary
- The Night Porter
- The story of O
- Blue Velvet
- Quills
- Fetishes
- Flower and Snake
- Killing me Softly
- Tokyo Decadence
- Belle de jour
- Maitresse
- My mistress
- El Jardin Secreto
- The pet
- 8mm
- Nymphomaniac 1-2
- Preaching to the perverted
- 9 ½ weeks
- The Piano teacher
- Tie me up, Tie me down.
- The Notorious Bettie Page
- A dangerous Method
- Basic Instinct
- Venus in Furs
- The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant
And if You’d Like to Do Some Post-Holiday Reading to Kick Off the New Year!
- The Basics of Power Play
- Getting into Spanking: 6 Tips for Beginners
- Kink 101: BDSM is All About Consent
As we dive into 2021, Happy New Year to you! If you’re interested in learning more about BDSM, kink, or anything related to your sexual pleasure, I would love to be your guide!