Disability and sex aren’t mutually exclusive.
Over 54 million people in the United States have some sort of disability, but this doesn’t mean sex isn’t available, possible or enjoyable. Pleasure is for everyone! Chronic illness or injury does not have to put an end to your sex life. It means learning to work with what you have.
I encourage clients to focus on the experience itself, the “being in the moment.” Intimacy is more than just the physical act of sex. It’s touch, emotional closeness, and communication, and this can happen even when physical ability is limited. People who feel good about their sexuality are also likely to have higher levels of self-esteem, and that goes for anyone.
Making it happen
Disability can create specific challenges to the range of sexual activities and some people may not have the physical mobility for certain positions, but research shows that having a sexual partner who is willing to try a variety of positions and techniques is far more important than physical ability.
Taylor Carmen, who uses a wheelchair, writes frankly about her sexual experiences and offers great advice for those working with physical disability in her article, Ten Things Google Won’t Tell You About Disabled Sex. There’s a learning curve, for sure, and being patient, sensitive and creative with your circumstances can bring about a sexual experience that is uniquely yours.
Getting there
People are people – a physical disability doesn’t mean you’re not a sexual being, nor that a healthy and pleasurable sex life is not yours for the taking. There may be things to work through first – like feeling nervous or inexperienced. You may need help getting in touch with your body, figuring out what you like and building the confidence to ask for it, or you may need help with a recent disability that has brought a new dimension to your self-esteem or relationship. All relationships encounter their own unique roadblocks, and everyone works with their own issues of confidence and self-esteem (which is why sex coaches exist in the first place).
Your own personal journey
Working with a compassionate sex coach who is tuned in to your particular needs is key. For differently-abled people, discovering your sexuality can bring up a lot of questions. What if I’m inexperienced? How can I work with my body? How can I feel confident as a sexual being? How can I ask for what I need? Will others see me as sexual?
There are a variety of different methods for working with whatever place you’re in. As part of our sex coaching work together, I may suggest certified sexological bodywork, a hands-on, one-way touch modality that is sensitive to your particular challenges and can be extremely helpful in learning how your body responds to sensation and touch, how to receive, and what’s comfortable for you.
I may also suggest working with a surrogate partner. Surrogate partners are professionally-trained and certified and work as a three-part team with a therapist and client. Working with a surrogate partner isn’t for everyone and requires a therapist referral – but it can be especially helpful for those who want to gain more skills or experience to ready themselves for intimate connection, develop communication skills or prepare for the dating world.
I am here for you. Together, we can work on addressing and overcoming your doubts and fears, developing communication skills, building self-esteem, talking with your medical professionals, and discovering new pathways to help you create the sex life you deserve. Get in touch.