Sex therapy is a form of counseling designed to help couples and individuals address sexual issues, concerns and challenges. It’s usually practiced as a form of talk based therapy which can be extremely helpful for many clients. For others, an experiential hands-on approach is more beneficial, which is where surrogate partner therapy comes into play.
Surrogate Partner Therapy (SPT) is real time relational hands-on therapy facilitated by a professionally-trained certified practitioner (or surrogate partner) who works with clients on sexuality and intimacy. The surrogate uses physical touch including exercises known as sensate touch (also called sensate focus), a body exploration technique designed to help clients relax, gain confidence, and enjoy their sensual experiences.
Clients need to be referred to a surrogate partner by a practicing sex therapist or clinical sexologist. If you are considering SPT or would just like to learn more, read on.
Practicing Intimacy
SPT is a process involving many sessions, which often includes communication, practicing intimacy, sexual pleasure, and possibly intercourse when appropriate for the client’s sexual education. These real time practices are not only in pursuit of finding pleasure, but also designed to instill safety, comfort and confidence both intimately and sexually.
As the International Professional Surrogate Association (IPSA) puts it, surrogate partner therapy is designed to help you learn…
“…how to develop healthy relationships, how to touch and to receive touch, and how to be more accepting of one’s body and sexuality… Care is taken to assure that the client is ready for each new step as the client and surrogate partner gradually progress through experiences that are simultaneously diagnostic, skill-building, and healing… As the work progresses, clients find themselves becoming more relaxed, more open to feelings, and more comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy.”
Possibly Just the Sexual Healing You Need
SPT is certified, legal, professional work and though it can be life changing for some clients, it’s also not suitable for everyone. In my experience, clients who can really benefit from the more intimate, hands-on work that a surrogate partner has to offer are typically:
- Clients with limited sexual experience or late virginity
- Clients with a history of sexual trauma or relationship challenges
- Clients struggling with sexual dysfunction
- Clients struggling with shyness or anxiety
- Differently-abled clients
- Clients with ASD (Autism Spectrum disorder)
Surrogate partners help clients develop confidence and skills on an emotional, relational and physical level. SPT can be a highly educational and deeply nurturing experience that extends far beyond the scope of the limitations of talk therapy.
The Right Match
SPT takes place as a three-member team: therapist, surrogate, and client. Sometimes the surrogate partner gets in touch with me in order to complete the trio, and sometimes I’ll reach out to a surrogate partner. Together, the surrogate partner and I evaluate each client’s process and decide what the next best steps are – always keeping progress and learning at the forefront.
Working with a surrogate partner is a very intimate process that requires the support of a therapist for both the client AND the surrogate partner. This is necessary in order to process what’s happening in the sessions and to evaluate progress. Clients need to feel safe and willing to explore the professional therapeutic relationship with their surrogate partner. Having an authentic connection is the cornerstone of this experience; which is why I work very closely with both client and surrogate partner to ensure that they are a good match for one another.
Different Than Sex Therapy
There are several ways in which sex therapy, sex coaching and SPT are different. Sex therapy is a talk-based therapy that may involve non-sexual touch. In my practice, I work with somatic sex and intimacy coaching and body-based (fully-clothed non sexual) exercises. These are designed to support you in your journey of sensory exploration and pattern/desire recognition. Surrogate Partner Therapy is an extension of sex therapy.
Work Toward Your Goals
SPT focuses on your goals. You’ll set intentions with your SPT and aim to achieve those goals by working through a series of sessions and assignments. Clients learn about the many nuanced aspects of dating, intimacy, touch, pleasure, sensuality, and sexuality through real, in-person practice.
Assignment practices typically include experiences around connection, communication, flirting, dating, anatomy, touch, sensuality, and sexuality.
What About Crushes?
It’s not uncommon for a client to develop a crush during SPT. In fact, this is very typical! Crushes give the client the ability to have a real experience. Even though the client knows this is not a romantic relationship, experiencing a genuine attraction and possibly disappointment helps prepare them for the likelihood of encountering crushes outside the SPT relationship in a “real world” situation.
The more authentic the client’s experience and feelings, the more they will be prepared to navigate future romantic relationships and sexual interactions once the surrogate partnership has ended.
Real Feelings = Real Experiences
SPT clients have real experiences that include real feelings. SPT is not role playing.
Simulation is acting, and while that could also be helpful to some degree, it’s performative rather than authentic. The more authentic the experience, the deeper the learning (and healing) for the client.
Surrogate Partner Therapy isn’t necessarily right for everyone, but for those who need this kind of hands-on approach, the benefits are undeniable.
If you think SPT might be the right fit for you, starting out with sex therapy, sex coaching or sexological bodywork are good places to begin. From there, your therapist or coach can work with you to assess your specific needs and determine whether SPT is the best choice for you.
If you have questions about how working with a surrogate partner might help you in your sexual development, or if you’re interested in sex coaching or sexological bodywork, please get in touch with me for a complimentary consultation!
Additionally, if you’d like to do some more research on your own before beginning your sex coaching journey, check out theses additional resources for more information:
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More Resources
- This is Life with Lisa Ling: Sexual Healing
- The Session movie starring Helen Hunt
- IPSA: https://www.surrogatetherapy.org/what-is-surrogate-partner-therapy
- Demystifying SPT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9u-5H2Ct3U
- https://sexandintimacycoaching.com/surrogate-partner-therapy/
- https://www.surrogatepartner.us/
- https://www.surrogatetherapy.org/
As we approach February 14th, I wish you all a LOVEly Valentine’s Day! With shelter-in-place orders still in place for some of us, consider cozying up with a Valentine’s Day Staycation this year. Whatever your plans or status, I hope you make it a good one!